Yesterday afternoon, mom and I were visiting Caleb. We were aware that the birth mother and father had been in to visit him the night before, so nerves were high. We did not know much, and tried hard to know that they could be saying goodbye, but the chances of that happening were unlikely.
Around 3:00 we received a call from our case worker saying that the birth parents seem to be changing their minds. They are meeting with their case worker Friday morning and may have a decision then. I keep saying, "they" but until now, birth dad has had little involvement and now is suddenly back in the picture. We were asked to leave the hospital, not because we were being kicked out, but because it could be "awkward" if the birth parents came by the hospital before Friday. I took the longest walk of silence from Caleb's crib to my car....and then a somber drive, arriving home 1.5 hours later.
Right now, I have two responses that are fighting each other 1) crawl into a hole, away from any contact with people, indulge in far too many calories and self loathing, sleep until the pain goes away, a 2) time to putting up the fighting gloves. Time to fight for my baby boy. The urge to fight has won the temptation....for now.
For now....
-we wait until Friday to see what birth mom decides
-we pray like crazy and seek the Lord on Caleb's behalf
-we are writing a letter to birth mom to share pictures, and our hearts, to share how Caleb is already a part of our lives, and a part of his grandparents and aunts and uncles lives
-we are angry
-we feel helpless and hopeless
-we don't need your words, I promise you, no matter what you say is not going to help
-I will spend today working on the back to school retreat for students
-I will find solace in my journal
-I may go through a box of tissue
-we need your prayers
Around 3:00 we received a call from our case worker saying that the birth parents seem to be changing their minds. They are meeting with their case worker Friday morning and may have a decision then. I keep saying, "they" but until now, birth dad has had little involvement and now is suddenly back in the picture. We were asked to leave the hospital, not because we were being kicked out, but because it could be "awkward" if the birth parents came by the hospital before Friday. I took the longest walk of silence from Caleb's crib to my car....and then a somber drive, arriving home 1.5 hours later.
Right now, I have two responses that are fighting each other 1) crawl into a hole, away from any contact with people, indulge in far too many calories and self loathing, sleep until the pain goes away, a 2) time to putting up the fighting gloves. Time to fight for my baby boy. The urge to fight has won the temptation....for now.
For now....
-we wait until Friday to see what birth mom decides
-we pray like crazy and seek the Lord on Caleb's behalf
-we are writing a letter to birth mom to share pictures, and our hearts, to share how Caleb is already a part of our lives, and a part of his grandparents and aunts and uncles lives
-we are angry
-we feel helpless and hopeless
-we don't need your words, I promise you, no matter what you say is not going to help
-I will spend today working on the back to school retreat for students
-I will find solace in my journal
-I may go through a box of tissue
-we need your prayers
3 comments:
No words... just love and prayers for you.
I'm here for you, Kristin.
You would have been encouraged to hear the prayers last night offered for you, Jon, Caleb and your families. You are all in our hearts.
Much love - Sharon
Praying right now.
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