Pride Before the Fall

It was exactly three hours that we were without foster children in our home. Our last placement (a group of two brothers, 7 months and 9 years old) were with us for the past 7 months. That season was one of the hardest we have had as a family. We were so glad to see them go, for so many reasons.

Their mom was doing so well, and we felt very confident in her ability to parent her children again. I have had the opportunity to have a growing relationship with her and have been excited to see how she is growing and changing.

We were tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. T I R E D. I have not had a good night of sleep in seven months. The baby hardly ever slept, and Caleb was having lots of trouble sleeping....nightmares, etc.

We had just finished 7 months of verbal abuse. That's a whole post for later.

More importantly, we had a 3 year old son to take care of, who was showing regression and signs of really not doing well physically and emotionally. He had stopped eating, and sleeping, he stopped talking, he was getting more violent, he was being threatened by our foster son, etc...

When I answered my phone with the worker from DHS asking if we would take GB, my pride set in. My mind was filled with thoughts like, " I can do this. I can do it all. I don't need a break. All those people who keep telling me I need a break, I'll show them. I can do everything. I can have control."

hahahhahahahhahahhahahaa. That's funny Kristin.

And a hard pill to swallow when it took all of 30 seconds of GB being in our house that I realized how wrong I was.

If I was wrong and I couldn't handle it and I needed a break, the least I could do was hide it from every person I knew, so I could keep up the facade.

And then the fall....Jon asked me if I was leaving for campus soon. I had about 10 minutes to get to my next thing on campus. I looked at him and started bawling. The past seven months of unrest, stress and hardship was resting on my shoulders and came out with those tears.

When I officially asked the case worker to find a new home for GB to be placed in, Jon responded, "Thank you for not being stubborn."

Needless to say, I was completely confused. The only reason we were in this situation was because of my stubbornness and pride.

I asked what he meant.

"The old you, would have held on and sucked it up, and it would have probably ruined our family."

Ouch. True.

And yet....I want so much of that old me. I wish I had it in me to "suck it up." I hate when kids in the foster system are transferred to different homes. It feels like people give up too easily. It feels like I gave up to easily.

Just so you know, I don't think we made the right decision. It started with a wrong decision, and we had to keep making wrong decisions to get to a right one. Does that make sense? In my tired brain, it does.

For the next 6 weeks, we have decided as a family that we will not take any more foster placements. I will be focusing on closing out a semester here at Albion, starting the busy season of photography, being the best wife and mom I can be, and get started on some much needed personal discipline.

Here's to 6 weeks of rest!

Romans 8 Memorization (verses 1-2)

The "Mama Chart" is indicating that the end is near

We have a chart hanging in our dining room, called "The Mamma Chart." G named it. It is a count down from when we first heard that there would be a court date..... to the court date.....and finally when the boys can return home.

Today: We are at 12 more days. I feel like it it more like one. Tomorrow Mom goes to court. Friday-Sunday the boys will be with mom, then it is one busy school day and the boys will be home forever (hopefully) next Friday.

To say we are ready is one of the largest understatements we could make. This has been quite a journey. 7 months of hard.

In the past seven months, I have learned:

- 9 year olds are difficult. Give me terrible two any day.

-I love my little Caleb boy fiercely, and my "mama-bearness" reared its head...A LOT

-I am incredibly selfish and stubborn. They say when you get married, you learn how selfish you are. Then they say when you have kids you learn how selfish you still are. Let me tell you...raise someone else's kids, while they tell you how you are doing it all wrong....and you will truly see how selfish you are. Or its just me. I'm ok with admitting that I am not yet fully redeemed.

-I love the teachers in our elementary school. I have worked with them closely in the last 6 months. They deserve so much more praise, support and pay that they get. Thanks APS!

-I live in a great community, a community of parents willing to help out and love us.

-I can survive on very little sleep.

-Unless I spend time with Jesus in the morning, my day is going no where.

-Saturday afternoon naps are a must.

-It is necessary to sneak away with my hubby, even if it is a late night conversation on the couch with a glass of wine in hand.

-God is so good.

-God answers prayers.

-The system can work. God can work. People can change. I have seen a hard, stone cold, mean, angry woman, turn into a fabulous mom. It has been so good to grow this relationship with the boys mom, learning how she works, learning how to communicate and do what is best for her kids.

-My identity is found in Jesus only. Not in a 9 year old boy. Not in his mom. Not in the 7 month old who hates me. Not in our case workers. All I need to do is to follow Jesus. I don't need to please everyone, or anyone for that matter.

-I like sleep. Oh wait....I didn't learn that. I totally knew that about myself:)

It has been quite the process. It has been the hardest season of my life. The most exhausting, that's for sure. I am excited to see it end. I am excited to see a woman get her children back. I am excited to know that she has really changed. I am excited to spend some time as a family of three. I am excited to sleep again.

And.... I am excited for what God will do next.

Just in case you were wondering: In the last week, we had a baby girl for 2 days and were called to take a sibling group, one and two year old brothers. We probably won't be taking them. BUT...just wanted to keep you posted.