Let's just talk about the Elephant.

Or in our case, let's talk about the Chicken.

In just 5 short days (as if a day can be short with a crazy chicky girl running around), we will be packing our van with the belongings of the sweetest almost 19 month old you ever did see. Ok.....maybe not sweetest. She is a bit of a beast. But she is a cute one, and she has my heart. We will take her back to her parents house, and our time being her temporary parents will end.

It is really easy to be on this side of things, and ask yourself, "Was it worth it? Was it all in vain? Did we make any difference?"

And the truth is, I don't know.
 I want to think so. 
 I want to think that the way we loved her helped her learn to bond with others. 
 I want to think that we will continue to have a relationship with her and her family.  
 I want to think that the prayers that were prayed over her and for her were not to the ceiling.  

In my heart of hearts, I know that it mattered. If it didn't, we wouldn't be in foster care. But, it is really hard to see.

It's even harder to feel. 

In April 2013, we said yes to taking a newborn home from the hospital. She was in the hospital for a few days, and I spent time loving on her, holding her and praying for her. When she was ready, we took her home, and the crazy journey began.  I think about what we would have missed if we didn't have her in our lives. 

My house would be cleaner.  
   But, I wouldn't have had the chance to see my tender, then three year old son become completely attached to his "baby chicken."  

I would have gotten a lot more sleep. 
   But, I would have missed the sweet morning smiles and giggles. This child is a morning girl.  

I would have had lots more time on my hands. 
   But I would have missed a lot of her firsts. Her first steps, her first words, her first hugs and kisses. I loved being there for her firsts, and my heart ached that her mom and dad were not a part of those milestones. 

My heart wouldn't be broken. Caleb's heart wouldn't be broken. 
   Isn't love like that? You risk it all on the line, and you aren't sure if you will be loved in return. But it's worth it. We put it all on the line, not knowing if we would be her parents for a season or forever. Our season is done. And it's hard. And messy. And I don't like it. But it was worth it. It was worth it for her. She needed a family. It was worth it for me. I was able to love like Jesus. It was worth it for Caleb. We are able to see him love another child, and to continue to explain that kids will be in and out of our house, as they need places to live and mommies and daddies. He doesn't get it all right now. I don't get it all right now, but step by step, we are walking in stride, following Jesus as a family into this crazy messy world of foster care. 

What's next? 
We say goodbye to Chick on Friday, and become a household of 5. We will not be taking any more foster placements until January 1.  



 

Because sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.

            There is this song that I have been playing over and over in my head. It is the mantra for my life right now. I want to do what God is calling me to. To do hard and push through when what I want most is to run to the hills.

                                                                 I'd love like I'm not scared
                                                                 Give when it's not fair
                                                                Live life for another
                                                                Take time for a brother
                                                               Fight for the weak ones
                                                              Speak out for freedom
                                                               Find faith in the battle
                                                             Stand tall but above it all
                                                                 Fix my eyes on you
                                                                                   (For King and Country) 


              If this doesn't describe foster care, I don't know what does. Hec, it describes my day hour by hour sometimes. 

              The key though, is to fix my eyes on Him. Too often it is on myself, and my feelings, and oh those feelings are entangling and deceitful.

And then there were the teen girls.

In just over 36 hours (give or take),  Jon and I will be foster parents to two teenage girls.

What to the what? Right. I know.

In the deepest part of my heart, God has been preparing this for about a little over a year. There is such a calm and peace about this. In the midst of peace, I get the overwhelming fear and questions..

-We have NO IDEA how to parent teens. None. None. None. None.

-How in the world are we to squeeze two more people into our house? And get more beds? And bedding? And everything? The space. The money. 

-It's summer time. How in the world will I entertain them all day? I highly doubt they enjoy the same thing my 14 month old and 4 year old do.

-What about our summer plans? Do we take them with us or find respite?

-Will I ever go on a date again with my hubby?

-Will they get along with the girls in the youth group?

-How will Caleb do with another disruption?

-How do we handle chores/responsibilities, consequences, etc?

-Caleb and Chic will be sharing a room----so will I ever sleep again?

-How can I build a relationship with them and pour into them?

-What hobbies do they have? 
 

It is going to be hard. I am already thinking of reasons to call my caseworker and say we can't do it. And I know we can't on our own, but with Christ as our stronghold, we will. This is for the glory of His name, to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a world that so desperately needs Him. 

I will be spending the next day transforming Chick's room into a room fit for teen girls, and moving Chick into C's room.

I'd like to get a little "Welcome" gift for the girls. What exactly do you get a 13 and 14 year old girls?

Any advice....PLEASE

And prayers. We need the prayers.

Coffee Date Week #2

Pull up a seat. Grab a cup of coffee. Let's sip away and talk about life. If we were having coffee today:

-I would most likely complain about how my son his sick/allergies/something that is causing him to not sleep and be miserable.

-I would tell you all about my sister's Senior All Night Party. It was a good time. You can see some pictures here.
  
-Maybe we would play around with makeup, depending on where we are having this cup of coffee. I probably wouldn't bust out my makeup in the middle of Starbucks, but my kitchen table....yep, beware.

-I would ask you if you know how to contour and highlight well, because I want to nail that look, and I can't. That's why I have girlfriends ya'll.

-I would tell you that I just started selling Younique Makeup. I LOVE their stuff. I don't really plan on making it a business and filling up your fb pages with stuff, but as people buy, I do get free makeup. So, that's a win. Especially with my new found make up obsession.

-Speaking of which.....If I tell you this, please look past my vanity. Really, please. I keep looking at my eyelashes in the mirror. Youniques 3D Fiber Lashes, are FABULOUS!  You can order here:

-We might talk about how parenting has been difficult lately. It has been a season of clinging to Jesus, starting days over, and loving fiercely on these little ones.

-I would tell you that my foster daughter is obsessed with dog food. I said it. And I threw up in my mouth a little bit. GROSS.

-I would celebrate the fact that Chick is learning to nap. And you would roll your eyes because every conversation we have, I somehow weave in how this girl refuses to nap. But then you would be glad for me, because she is starting to nap. 

-I would cherish our time together, because time spent with good friends, sharing life and time well spent.

-I would ask you about your summer goals.

-I would tell you about lavender oil and how it is helping immensely with anxiety.

-I would get a second cup of coffee, because well, I am tired. And coffee fixes a lot.

If we were having coffee today, what would you tell me??

Pull up a seat.

One of my favorite things in the whole world is to sit across from someone, drinking a wonderful cup of coffee and sharing about life. 

There are so many people that I would love to do that with right now, instead, let's have a virtual cup.

If we were having coffee today,

• I would tell youI am studying Romans. We would probably talk about the richness of God's word. I would ask you what you have been learning from the Lord recently. 
• We would probably talk about foster care in some form or fashion, since I can't really seem to have a conversation without it. 
• I would tell you that my baby is finishing his first year of preschool. 
• I want to make a sidewalk chalk mural on my sidewalk. 
• I would ask you how you are filling your time these days. 
• I am spending time on one room a week until my house is totally organized and things are minimized. 
• I would ask you to come help me organize more of the foster care closet. 
• I would complain about how messy my room is. 
• I would dream of all the things I will do this summer. 
• I would probably tell you that I am really tired today. 
• I would tell you of my plans to redo Caleb's room. 
• I would tell you that I want a kitten. 

What would you want to talk about if we were having coffee today???

I'm waiting. Kind of.

Foster Care has that weird place of waiting. And I most definitely in that place, waiting for our next placement.

In many ways, God has preparing my heart for a new placement, as well as preparing our circumstances. I am learning what it means to be a stay at home mom, we have established SOMEWHAT of a routine, God is teaching me so much to rely on Him, and all of these things are really preparing us for our next placement. 

For those of you wondering, Chick is still with us. She has now been with us for 13 months. We are still unsure of what will happen in her case. *Keep praying.*

 There is still some room in our house and van, and definitely room in our hearts for another child to love.

I so, hesitate to even say that, or to be excited about it. In order for a child to be in foster care means that their home situation is not good. It means that they have endured circumstances that I will have never have experienced.

And yet, it is a reality of our broken and fallen world.

So here we are.

Waiting.

Enjoying every minute of our life.

Loving our time with Chick, and praying that we will be able to adopt her. 

Loving being Caleb's mamma, because he is the coolest kid ever:)

Be blessed today friends!

Sometimes it's messy.

This morning, I knew there was going to be a mess. But it was soooooo worth it. Our little Chicky girl LOVES bananas. She loves to eat bananas. She is currently in the "I'm too cool to be fed" stage, and will only eat things she can feed herself. Bananas are great for that, except they get smashed all over her, her clothes, in between her fingers, her high chair, on the floor, and probably even some left over gunk on the ceiling. But, so worth it. During her banana time, she is silent. She is happen . I was able to do dishes, knowing that she was fully entertained.

But my word! The mess. I think I spent more time cleaning it up, that she spent time devouring her treasured banana. The peace and quiet, the ability to get dishes done....it was worth it. And if I am honest, she will probably get another banana today. And maybe we will plant a banana tree in the back yard, so we never run out. 

As much as the kid messes drive me bonkers, I can clean those up. With the sweep of a broom, swish of a mop, and some wet wipes, this mama is ready for anything. Life isn't always like that.

Sometimes it is messy, and I feel like there is nothing I can do.

I sit in the presence of the Lord, and wait.

I wait on Him. I listen. I persevere. 

Mostly there is a lot of waiting.

And leaning in on Him. He is the only one that provides comfort and understanding.

Foster care, is stinkin messy my friends. I want to take a bucket of bleach and clean it all up, but it just doesn't work that way. It's  not a one time fix. 

I want to see renewal and redemption in the foster care system.

I want to see what is done in the dark brought into the light.

I want birth parents to learn how to parent, how to break the generational sin in their life, and start fresh.

I want to be a part of loving on kids. I want to be a part of loving on parents.

I want their to be consquences for parents.

I want decisions to be made in the best interest of the children.

Until then, I will pray. I will wait on the Lord. I will continue to open my home to the littles that need it, and I will love on parents. The last one is particularly tough for me. 

Fairytales and Gumdrops

Some of you may know, in January I became a stay at home mom. I never in a million years thought I would journey down this road. I enjoy working, I always thought being at home would be boring.

It has been filled with the sweet sounds of children waking up in the morning politely requesting their breakfasts and then overjoyed when I give them their first meal of the day.

It has been filled with hugs and snuggles and kisses.

It has been filled with two children, napping at the same time all afternoon, leaving mom with some beautiful time by herself.

It has been filled with glorious play dates, with kids playing so well together and their mammas enjoying adult conversation.

It has been filled with this mamma sipping hot coffee, spending lots of time in God's word and making her time with the God the highest priority.

It has been filled with lots of extra time to work out. This mamma doesn't do much all day, so it has been time to get her booty into gear and shed those pounds that have been sticking on.

It has been amazing how clean and organized my house is. I can get so much done when I am at home all day.

Or, maybe not. 

Some of those above sentences are true, but I will let you decide.

My time at home as been more like this:

Screaming kids. Kids who protest sleep.

Washing machine flooding our laundry room, leaving moldy worn out floors that needed to be replaced. 

Learning that my 4 year old has some very hard stuff he is dealing with. Who know we would be going through an identity crisis at 4?

Exhaustion. These kids run me ragged.

And this house.....will it EVER be clean? 

Spilled drinks. Spilled meals. Actually the spills I can take. It's when my 4 year old gets in one of his fits, and ends up throwing everything that is in front of him, that requires me to have extra grace and patience. 

 My days have been filled with foster care visits,
 case worker visits,
play dates,
cleaning up the same mess 100 times,
looking at my phone every single minute to see if any time has passed,
and filled with random laundry....EVERYWHERE.

 I have learned more about superheros than I ever thought possible.

My relationship with my son is closer than ever before.

I have been on the front lines and have experienced the brunt of his anger, aggression, tantrums, and fits.

I have sat with him and talked about ethnicity, adoption, foster care, and what a family means.

I make an hour drive with my boy to go see a childhood counselor once a week. 

I have found household objects in the most random of places.

I have been spending my days cherishing the moments we have with Chick. We don't know how much longer she will be with us. I am trying to build a relationship with her parents. It has been a very very slow process.

 We have been dealing with sleep issues. Chick doesn't nap. Caleb is either off or on. He could sleep all night and all day, or he could be awake for two days straight. (Again part of what we are trying to figure out what we are dealing with emotionally and physically with our boy).

 This crazy girl....well, she loves that I am home, and is found, far too often under my feet.

When the Lord first led me to stay at home, I was surprised at how quickly the decision was made and why. I loved my job. I loved working. I loved being in ministry. Why stay at home?? It has been made crystal clear over the last few months.

Never have we had a harder season of parenting. I am sure there will be several posts on that, but I know for this season, it is absolutely necessary for me to be home with Caleb, to give him extra attention, to attend counseling sessions with him, to love on him, and give him the extra care he needs right now.

I never thought I would be here, but I am so glad I am. 

Because it matters {A rant by a tired mamma}

Over the 4 years that Caleb has been in our lives, one of the constant comments I hear when we talk about racial identity is "God doesn't see color."

Really? Do you know when you say that, you are undermining God's creative work in creating cultures and ethnicities, different types of people that all reflect the image and glory of God? Do you know that when you say that, you are telling me that black and white are the same? And do you know you are telling my brown son, that they are the same?

I know what you mean. You mean, "God loves us, regardless of skin color. God loves each of us as His image bearers." I am so glad that we are not bound by culture and ethnicity, but that instead we are blessed by the differences, because they give us a glimpse of God's character and a glimpse of what Heaven will be like.

Perhaps what is so hard about statements like these, is holding my hurting 4 year old last night, until midnight. He was begging me to pray to God and to ask God to turn his skin white.  Or maybe it was the day that he didn't want to go to school because there weren't enough brown kids at his school. Or maybe it was the time he told me that he wanted a brown mommy and daddy. Or maybe it's just the fact that there are differences. I have to take care of his  skin and hair in ways that I don't have to take care of mine, and even in a different way than we take care of Chick's (our bi-racial foster daughter).

As we continue on this journey of raising our son, journey with us as we teach him to value his ethnic identity. The Lord made him black. This is who he is. My hope and prayer is that he would fully embrace his blackness, and whiteness (by being in a white family), and fully glorify the Lord in all that he does. May Caleb walk in purpose and one day understand why a black newborn, born in Detroit was adopted by a white family.

Speaking of the journey....we are starting counseling today. I am not entirely sure how a 4 year old goes through counseling. This is the first step of many. The first step of putting some pieces back together in our very broken home. {Parenting is hard. Especially in adoption and foster care}.

Do you know of any children's books that would help us in this area?

It matters friends. Ethnic identity matters. God created it. Next time you tell me that God doesn't see color, watch out for my mamma claws.

Do you even remember me?

Sometimes, I forget to blog. But I really want to blog, because in this craziness of life, it is so good for me to look back and remember the pictures, remember the funny things my kids did, remember what was on my heart, and to see how things have changed. So here I am...back at it.

Foster Parent Spotlight:Kathy

I have been so blessed to gain a new friend in the last few years. I have loved walking the road of foster care with Kathy. Hope you enjoy a piece of her story. 

1. How long have you been a foster parent? Jim and I have been foster parents since June of 2012

2. What led you to foster care? Why are you a foster parent? From a young age I wanted to adopt. I feel now that the lord was preparing me for the future. Ultimately it was my sister that finally pushed us to start fostering. She fostered and adopted 2 little girls. She brought them home from the hospital and we engulfed them with love from day one. Back in September 2012 we found out that their birth mom was pregnant again with baby number 3. At that time my father was dying of cancer and so I immediately said no to my sister. My father died in January and the night of his funeral our only birth child who at the time was 13 informed us that we need to adopt so that when we died (meaning mom and dad) that he would not be alone and this started our journey into foster care. Today our son not only has a brother but also a sister that are his forever family. We have been blessed!

We became foster parents to keep a family together. Our children will know that there cousins are there sisters. But also to give a child love, stability and a chance to know what it feels like to be in a family and most importantly to share the love of Christ!

3. What has been most surprising? I did not expect it to be so emotional. We did not start foster care to “reunify” we wanted desperately to adopt these children to keep the sibling group close. I also did not expect to have feelings of grief for the birth mom. After our son Malachi was terminated I was overjoyed for my family but shed tears for this mom. I knew that she loved her children but had no idea how to care for them. With our son, Malachi, I did not meet birth mom. Yet I still grieved for her. The second time around I did meet her. I started out very nervous and ended up sharing my heart with her and found that she so desperately wanted to share her past with me and wanted me to know that she was grateful for the care and love that we have given her children.

4. What have you learned about yourself? Like I said, I was really nervous about meeting the birth mom. Yet, I found an inner strength to open up my heart to this woman who gave me the gift of her children. I also did not expect to fall in love with a child with as strong of feelings and as if I had given birth to that child.

5. What have you learned about God? How have you experienced God as a foster parent? I did not learn this but was reminded about God’s love and how He loves all! I had to remind myself of this fact a lot!!!! Even birthparents, caseworkers, etc. need to see God through me and most importantly know God personally! I always knew that God was faithful but never experienced His faithfulness as strongly as I did during our time of fostering. I truly felt his presence during all of the crazy court dates and even during parenting time when I had to hand “my” baby over to the birth parent and walk away.

6. What would your advice be to someone considering foster care? Don’t go into it with expectations of an outcome. We were blessed in our journey. But, I know others who have not been as lucky as we have. Fostering is hard work. You love the child/children that God has placed in your care. You want the best for them! Be open with your caseworker and your child’s lawyer they will impact the outcome.

7. What is your greatest need as a foster parent? I was asked a lot if our children were adopted yet. And most of the time we were still in the “reunification” stage. Be respectful of questions. Understand that we have guidelines that we have to follow i.e. pictures on Facebook, etc. With little ones, hand-me-down clothing is great. Diapers are expensive and wipes are used frequently. Accepting our children with open arms understanding that they come from tough circumstances and need acceptance no matter how they are acting. Love on them as well as foster parents! Prayers, lots of prayers.

Like Fingernails on a chalkboard

It started in the upstairs bathroom. It was annoying, but not THAT annoying. I didn't spend a lot of time in the upstairs bathroom, so I just walked away from the drip, drip, drip.

And then the kitchen. Though I don't spend tons of in the actual kitchen (hush), my desktop computer is right next to the kitchen and I do spend a lot of time on that thing. And oh, the dripping...it became more noticeable.

Noticeable went to annoying.

Annoying went to, "Oh, that's what that verse means."

God is a really great teacher, the best in fact. A great demonstration to help me know exactly how destructive it can be to be a nag. Not just to my husband, but to my kids and to my friends. I want my words to speak truth, to speak love, to speak peace.