Am I there yet?

The tune is all too familiar for those of you who are seasoned parents, "Are we there yet?" 


This seems to be the mantra of my life right now....."Are we there yet God?" 


I have been struggling with not being where I was, but definitely not being where I want to be.

Until I get there, I am moving forward, sometimes a few steps back, but mostly forward.

Because I know it won't always be this way

I know that I won't always be his hero.

I know that I won't always be the person that can get him to laugh, a big hearty belly laugh.

I know that he won't always want to be in my arms and snuggle with me all morning.

I know that he won't always want to sit on the couch and do nothing else but be in my arms.

I know that we won't always have days that allow for me to snuggle with him on the couch all morning.

And because I know that it won't always be that way, I am enjoying it while it lasts.

This mothering thing can be hard, but on days like today, I am glad to take one for the team.

A note on the Sanctity of Life

Yesterday was Sanctity of Life Sunday. It is a time where Christians celebrate life. We were made in the image of God, and if we say that is true, then we should celebrate the grandest creation of God.

If you know Jon and I at all, you know we are pro life. I am can almost guarantee that you will not find me marching in a parade, having bumper stickers on my car, having signs in my yard or anything else that would "demonstrate" pro life. I know people that do, in fact we go to a church where a lot of people do. I don't think those things bring about change. I think they educate, but more damage is done than just educating. Christians are seen as Bible beaters bombing abortion clinics. I never ever ever want to portray Jesus as someone like that.

The Jesus I want to portray is a Jesus that says yes to life. A Jesus that says if we choose life, then we need to be able to care for those mothers who have thought about abortion. Am I giving my time, money and energy to those mom's who desperately need a helping hand, who think that abortion is the way out?

A Jesus that says yes to life, says yes to those children who need homes. If they are not aborted, and we tel mothers that adoption is an option, who is adopting them? We need to be adopting. Often. Willingly. Until it hurts. Until we see the world changed, because we are are portraying the Jesus that values life.

A Jesus that says yes to life, but no to slavery. How can we as a Christian church be so quick to ignore the slaves? If we say that life matters, if we say that we are created in the glorious image of God, why doesn't it bother us that 8 year olds are being sold all over the world, yes even in the US? Why do we shop in stores that feed the slave industry? Why are we not giving money, giving time, giving energy and educating ourselves on the ways that slavery is happening around us.

Life matters.

For the love of God, life matters.

Can you hear me? LIFE MATTERS. Ok, maybe you can hear me now.

The life of the mother wrestling to kill her baby or keep him. Her life matters. The baby that is born, but needing home. Her life matters. The child sold into slavery, yes honey, your life matters. It matters so much. The heart of God breaks over the loss and wrong use of life.

What am I going to do with this life You gave me?

Sometimes I just laugh

Today was one of those days that are really hard to work from home. I needed to get work done, but the  house needed to be cleaned. I needed to get work done, but Caleb was so needy. I needed to get work done....but...but...but.

Finally I sat down with a pot cup of coffee and put Caleb in the pack n play with some toys. I thought it would keep him busy for a while. And it did.

When I check on him, I about died of laughter when I saw the placement of his sippy cup. This kid cracks me up.

"Come forward and put your arm around someone"

Those words make me cringe. I hate being forced to touch people and physically love on them, being pushed outside of my comfort zone.

My pastor is really good at that, pushing me out of my comfort zone. I guess that is part of his job, right?

Often at the end of our worship service he calls the whole congregation together. He calls us out of our seats, and we link arms around the sanctuary, pray together, worship together, and simply be in community.

Ah, community. 


Community is so different than what we as Americans want. We want individualism, but time and time again, Jesus calls us to live in community. To grow in community. To struggle together in community. To strive together in community. To be a part of redemption in community.

This is so hard!!!

My knee-jerk reaction is to buck and community and scream "I don't need you. I can do this on my own!!!"

I am learning to love community. I am learning that I need to lean on other people and other people need to learn on me. I am learning that we are all part of the body, and together we move.

After our worship service together a beautiful thing happened. We joined together in worship, declaring that Jesus was all to us. Children in the church came and put their hands on our pastor and prayed for him (he is leaving on a missions trip), and together ended our service.

Tonight, my mind is on community.

Sweet, community.

One year ago today,

We were meeting our case worker in a McDonalds parking lot, exchanging directions and heading 2 hours away to the hospital where we would meet our boy. The weather was great, and the traffic was light. A great day.

We got to the hospital, and met with the hospital social worker. We received our passes to head on to the NICU. We went into the elevator, up to the waiting room across from the NICU and placed our coats there.....

This very room.....where my sister was patiently waiting for me:) 

We were ushered into the NICU, where we spent several minutes scrubbing our hands and nervously, sheepishly, looking around to see which isolet would be holding our baby boy. The social worker  led us to him and this is what we saw....

We were immediately in love. He was so small!!! He was a mere 3lbs, not eating on his own, almost keeping his own body temperature. We loved him. It was immediate. Folks, love at first sight exists. We quickly had our first family photo taken....one I will NEVER forget:) 

After a few minutes of holding him we had to go to the hospital cafeteria to learn more him, his birthmother, and the process for here. We felt great about the whole situation. It seemed like it was going to go very smooth and quickly. 

Jon left to go back home so he could go to work the next day. I stayed for a few hours and had my wonderful parents come and pick up. I went back to their place and they took me back to the hospital the next day. 

I look at that woman's face and see such hope. She has no idea the road she is going be on through this process. She has no idea how the love for her son is going to grow into something that word will never truly describe. Her marriage will be tested as they endure hardships together. She will learn the so much about herself, the power of prayer, and the God she serves. She will love unconditionally even when it is painful. 

What a a difference a year makes!

A Letter to My Colleagues

I think InterVarsity staff are some of the coolest people on the planet. Somedays, I so wish that I could be like them, because most days I don't see myself as a part of that staff box. I can't believe most days that this really is my calling, that I really do work alongside of other staff in this mission to transform lives, renew colleges and universities and change the world. Pretty high calling if you ask me. Good thing I have some amazing people to work with. 

Why are you so amazing? 

You pursue Jesus passionately more than anyone I know. You love Him and love people with a purpose and seek His kingdom in the world. 

You partner with World Vision in order to bring justice to this world and redeem the brokenness. 

You stay up and pull late nights playing six handed euchre, meeting with students, praying, prepping...

You live off coffee, but live off Jesus more 

You know what MBTI means, and either love or hate it. Shout out ISFJ:) 

You can rock a dance party......even if you are white with no moves 

Because of this post.

You study the Bible like crazy and do an fantastic job of training others to do so 

You have established generations of folks who can read the Bible, study the Bible and lead small groups 

You care about people, holistically

The power gospel is real in your lives 

Greg Jao?  Yes, yes. 

You speak the truth in love....to me, when it hurts. 

You think. 

You feel. 

You act. 

You pray. 

You want Jesus to work in the lives of students. 

You are sacrificial. 

You know what it means to have plenty and be in need. 

You know the pains, trials and joys of fundraising 

You know the pains, trials and joys of working with students 

You know the pain when someone asks, "When are you going to get a real job?" 

You are all so different, and yet you somehow work together 

You know what the Great Dane is and why it is needed 

You ask me if I am "red lining or green lining" 

Somedays, I wish I could grow and up and be just like you. 

Caleb has the hiccups

Caleb didn't know if having hiccups was completely hilarious or scary. I think his faces show both.

As a baby, Caleb had the hiccups a lot. It has been a long time since he has had them. This morning he had them and didn't quite know how to react:)

Photo Envy

It is New Years Resolution Time. I have made goals for every area of my life....except my photography "skills." I have friends who have started a blog for their photos, I have friends who are posting a photo a day on facebook for a year, I have friends who are taking classes and taking their photography to a new level.

Me?

I am scared.

I am intimidated.

I feel inadequate.

I am jealous.

So very jealous of other's fabulous work!!!

They say all photographers go through this. This "I can't imagine taking another picture, because I am so scared of how it will turn out...but I can't NOT take pictures......so I will take them and never even load them onto my computer. I will hide my camera so I can't find it. Or better yet....I will let my 12 month old son play with my camera to ensure it will be destroyed....never to be used again."

I am not acting on these, well, I am not acting on most of them. I hid my camera, only to dig it out, but I am scared to look at any of the images, and currently my son is tugging on my camera.....maybe it is meant to be.

I really do think I should take time to develop my skills, to spend time learning and experiencing, but right now, it seems so hard.

I started a photo blog a long time ago. Wait, you've never seen it? Why don't you jump right on over there? Oh wait....there are no pictures on there.

Wordless Wednesday (Then and Now)

It's That Time and Everyone Else is Doing It!!!!

Have you all made your 2011 resolutions? I LOVE making resolutions. I love setting goals. I love revisiting the past year and evaluating.

This year I have a new resolution: To not make a resolution. One thing I have learned about myself is that I am "All or Nothing." Sometimes I am more "Nothing" than "All" which forces me to experience failure. 

Ok, so it is not that I don't have a resolution per say----

I will be setting goals at the beginning of each month, attainable, measurable goals. So....what do you think?

The Day I Failed as a Mom (otherwise known as Caleb's First Birthday Party)

What a day to fail, right?

Caleb's party was not what I had in mind. At all.

The problem is-- I don't really know what I had in mind. I hate event planning and hate forcing to be extroverted at said events.

I really hate the idea of first birthday parties. I mean seriously, what kind of person remember's their first birthday party? It is so much more for the adults. The rational side of me questioned why we would throw time, money and energy into a party for our baby that will not remember it. Why don't we do something cool for us?

So we went to a pizzeria and pub on New Year's Day. "You have a baby. In a bar. You have a baby in a bar." (NAME THAT MOVIE:))

I was frustrated that we could not make reservations.
It was hard to mingle with everyone, and even if I could do that well, I HATE mingling.
It was hard to blend our families and our friends. We were so appreciative that both came, but hard to have those worlds collide.
I did not make a sweet, awesome, thought filled homemade cake. I actually hated the cake, it was so lame looking. But who was I kidding? That's what you get when you order the cake the day before...(er---your husband orders it, and you expect him to read your mind about what kind of cake you wanted).
I wish that we had a bigger house that we could entertain our friends and family in
I wanted to get some amazing pictures of my son's birthday....of him, of people there, of us as a family.....

If the pity party is quite large enough, let me add that I hated all the pictures I saw of myself. I looked like a man, a fat man.

I am so going to be ready for his second birthday.

2010

So much of me wants to write a post about 2010. About how 2010 was one of the most
challenging,
 tear filled, 
marriage straining, 
wallet stretching,
 emotional, 
redemption needing, 
exciting, 
joyful, 
sleepless, 
prayerful, 
hopeful, 
passionate, 
healing years, 
EVER. 

But I won't bore you with all of that, because if you have been a reader of mine for any length of time you probably already know that.

How about I share some things with you that happened in 2010 that you might not know about?

-One day I received a letter from my very best college friend asking that we start writing letters back and forth. We have been writing for several months and our relationship and friendship is a more of blessing to me today that it has ever been before---even though we live across the country from each other.

-I am becoming more and more excited about being a woman, being feminine. I am still in the learning process of taking a long time to get ready in the morning, to do hair, and make up and wardrobe. I want to celebrate who God has created me to be, I want my husband to look at me and I want to be confident in who I am...a surprisingly a few extra minutes in the morning has helped with that.

-For the first time in my life I have wanted to fight through depression.

-I have started memorizing Psalm 119

-I have started working with the youth group at church. This is something  I said I would never do. I guess, never say "never," right?

-Became a bigger addict of scrapbooking

-Starting enjoying my quiet early mornings ----as long as there was coffee involved

-Saw God answer major prayers

-God has given me a new love for my family

-I have learned that I might not like my circumstances, but it doesn't mean that God has not called me to them

-we got rid of two of our cats (don't fret...they were sent to nice homes.....not like those nice country farms.....)

-We got rid of cable

-We traded our Yukon for a Honda Civic

-I have taken more photos than I know what to do with (oh wait, you probably know that)

-I questioned the gifts that God has given me more than I ever have

-I have held close to friends instead of walking away when things get tough

-I have been ok walking out of the house with baby drool on my shoulder and a snotty nosed boy in my arms

-I joined a gym and LOVE IT

-I still have not walked in my back yard

-I still hate nature and snow

-I am learning how to cook and bake (operative word: learning)  

-I have never loved someone more than I have loved my son