On the eve of the termination hearing

To those who think that I have had a great attitude about this adoption process,
To those who think that I have great faith,
To those who have admired a simple blog about our journey,
To those who think that they don't have the strength to go down such a journey,
To those who have prayed,
who have encouraged,
who have stood beside us,
who have cried with us and for us,
who have held our hands....

Tonight,
I
Need
You.

Tomorrow is the scheduled termination hearing, terminating the rights of the birth parents. I am nervous, anxious, sick to my stomach, scared, weeping, frozen, paralyzed.

I wish I could say that I have the faith to trust God, but I am praying in my unbelief.

I wish my husband didn't pray tonight, "Whatever happens tomorrow Lord, it will not change our decision to follow You." In my simple mind, that gives God permission to take Caleb from us. As if He needs permission. I am trying to remember the words we sang in church today, and know them to me be true..."He gives and takes away......Blessed be the name of the Lord." This is not just a song we sing, but a truth that we have to live by.

I wish I could skip Monday and wake up Tuesday morning and people could tell me how things turned out.

I feel like Moses. I need people on both sides of me holding my arms up during the battle, I do not have the strength to do it on my own. I need you to have faith for me. I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray for the hearing tomorrow. Pray that Caleb can stay with us.

Tonight, I am a weary warrior.