When Foster Care breaks my heart.

Lame title right? When does foster care NOT break my heart? Or anyone's for that matter? Most people would agree that the system is terribly broken.

In the past week, our 8 year old foster son has said some things that just leave me longing for Jesus' full redemption in his life.

"I don't think I am going to be going back with my mom. I just don't think so."

"When Caleb turns 8, will I still be living here?" (Caleb is two and a half.)

Me: "How do you feel about living here?"
G: "It's ok. But I don't really like it. I want to be with my mom."

G (looking extremely sad after a hard day), Me: "Do you need a hug?"
G: "No. I only hug my mom."

Yesterday G had a hard day in school. He ended up clearing his desk, throwing pencils and crayons and walking out of the classroom. When we got home from school and talked about it, his reasoning for acting out broke me. When I asked him why, he gave this response:
"Because the boys were making of me because I live with you and not my mom. They said they hope I never go back to my mom."

Ouch. That makes me want to throw things too. It led to a great conversation about self control, anger and forgiveness.

On a side note, I am getting pretty good at tossing a football. It's like I have boys in the house or something.

In which foster care is my spiritual act of worship

  Please hold the congrats. Apparently this is what people say when you tell them that you have foster 2 kids.
  And I don't get it.
  First of all, we did nothing to "get the kids." Jon and I simply said that we would be used by God in this way. In order for the kids to be with us, it means that they have faced some rough things at home. They have gone through and experienced things that they shouldn't have. Please don't congratulate me because a mother has made bad choices and it has caused her children to be removed from her home. 
  That is not exciting to me. It makes my heart sick and makes my soul long for the perfected world that Jesus will bring. It makes my heart so heavy that I can't not do anything about it.
   And what is exciting about explaining to an 8 year old that he has to move to another home, transfer schools, make new friends and may or may not go back home? When will that be? How do we help him?
   And please do not be excited or congratulate me when the boys go back home with mom. This has been the plan from the beginning. We know it and are planning on it. I am guarding my heart with a steel trapped door. I know that there will be tears. I know it will be hard. I know that in this season of life, I am going to have to cling to Jesus with all I have.
  And lets just say that the kids remain in our home forever. Still not a celebration. G will have a hard time mourning and transitioning. In order for the boys to stay, A LOT OF WRONG has to happen.
    Like...no suitable family members (lets not get excited that there is no family member that is able to keep the kids. This should break your heart.)
    Like....mom would have to have some pretty huge mistakes. Why would I wish that on someone?

  When we tell people about our foster care plans, I do not want the "congrats." I want people to see the God I worship. The God that  cares for injustice and cares for the orphans. The God who sustains me through sleepless nights, false accusations, discipline and ringworm.
   Being involved in foster care with how is how I worship God. It doesn't come easy, it's messy and hard, but when God says to "care for orphans", I believe that He really meant it. And so, I will obey.
   I will obey when it's hard, when I want to be selfish, when I want to give up, when there are tears, when I haven't had a conversation with my husband in days, when our house is infected with ringworm, when I feel like everyone is getting the worst of me, and when I am so alone. I will obey because God said to do it.
    Because in this season, caring for orphans is how I worship.

Did I mention ringworm? UGH!