Pride Before the Fall

It was exactly three hours that we were without foster children in our home. Our last placement (a group of two brothers, 7 months and 9 years old) were with us for the past 7 months. That season was one of the hardest we have had as a family. We were so glad to see them go, for so many reasons.

Their mom was doing so well, and we felt very confident in her ability to parent her children again. I have had the opportunity to have a growing relationship with her and have been excited to see how she is growing and changing.

We were tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. T I R E D. I have not had a good night of sleep in seven months. The baby hardly ever slept, and Caleb was having lots of trouble sleeping....nightmares, etc.

We had just finished 7 months of verbal abuse. That's a whole post for later.

More importantly, we had a 3 year old son to take care of, who was showing regression and signs of really not doing well physically and emotionally. He had stopped eating, and sleeping, he stopped talking, he was getting more violent, he was being threatened by our foster son, etc...

When I answered my phone with the worker from DHS asking if we would take GB, my pride set in. My mind was filled with thoughts like, " I can do this. I can do it all. I don't need a break. All those people who keep telling me I need a break, I'll show them. I can do everything. I can have control."

hahahhahahahhahahhahahaa. That's funny Kristin.

And a hard pill to swallow when it took all of 30 seconds of GB being in our house that I realized how wrong I was.

If I was wrong and I couldn't handle it and I needed a break, the least I could do was hide it from every person I knew, so I could keep up the facade.

And then the fall....Jon asked me if I was leaving for campus soon. I had about 10 minutes to get to my next thing on campus. I looked at him and started bawling. The past seven months of unrest, stress and hardship was resting on my shoulders and came out with those tears.

When I officially asked the case worker to find a new home for GB to be placed in, Jon responded, "Thank you for not being stubborn."

Needless to say, I was completely confused. The only reason we were in this situation was because of my stubbornness and pride.

I asked what he meant.

"The old you, would have held on and sucked it up, and it would have probably ruined our family."

Ouch. True.

And yet....I want so much of that old me. I wish I had it in me to "suck it up." I hate when kids in the foster system are transferred to different homes. It feels like people give up too easily. It feels like I gave up to easily.

Just so you know, I don't think we made the right decision. It started with a wrong decision, and we had to keep making wrong decisions to get to a right one. Does that make sense? In my tired brain, it does.

For the next 6 weeks, we have decided as a family that we will not take any more foster placements. I will be focusing on closing out a semester here at Albion, starting the busy season of photography, being the best wife and mom I can be, and get started on some much needed personal discipline.

Here's to 6 weeks of rest!