No Matter What.

Friends no matter what. 

I will stand by you no matter what. 

We will keep in touch, no matter what. 

I will love you no matter what. 

I have spoken these words to friends, family and my husband, sometimes I really did mean those words, other times it was a nice courtesy, but most times it meant.... 

I will love you as long as you love me. 

I will support you as long as you don't do me wrong. 

I will be there for you, if and only if you are there for me. 

I will be there, but lose my trust and I'm gone. 

I will love you until you leave dirty dishes on the table, give me a gas-less car, forget to call me when you know you will be late, etc.  

I will love you until you keep me up all night with your tears. 

What a selfish beast I am? Now you know some of the deep parts of my heart, the honest, dirty, sinful, selfish parts. I love conditionally, yet long for unconditional love. 

God has been challenging me in such a deep way in how I love others. He has challenged me to love Him, and His people no matter what. It is a hard painful process. A lot of my flesh tells me that it is ok to hold grudges, to not forgive, and to certainly not be in tight community with people who have hurt me, who I don't see eye to eye with, for those who don't get me. But that's not what He has said. He has said no matter what. 

So here I am in this journey. 

Trying so hard to love no matter what. 

To show show love when I am tired and depressed. 

To put others far above myself and my own agenda. 

To love others when it hurts. 

To love others when I don't feel loved back. 

This journey is hard, I am so glad that I have a husband who is standing by me in this, who is spurring me on, reminding me of my convictions and putting words to my emotions. How God  has blessed me.