I have been lied to!

 That's right folks. All those words of advice you gave me, were lies.

Cruel lies.

Lies that were meant to soothe an aching heart, but lies none the less.

Around this time last year, we were waiting to meet our baby girl. We were waiting to get the phone call to go and pick her up from the hospital. We were excited and completely consumed by pink!

I was looking forward to having my little girly all frilled up for my sister's wedding, to celebrate our first Christmas and continue on with life as a family of three.

Man oh man, how far we have come. I am so glad that God has made us a family of 3. I am so glad that He has allowed us to parent Caleb, it has been a complete joy, each day sweeter than I thought. Even the hard days are sweet and glorious as I put my boy down to sleep.

How I could on and on in my love for Caleb.

But you know what? He is still our 2nd child. We lost our first. We never met her, but in every sense was ours, before we were the poster couple for an adoption gone terribly terribly wrong.

And it still hurts. A lot. There are still tears. There are memories that come back and when they do, it feels like someone has sucker punched me.

Like my sister's wedding Oct. 2. We had so much fun. Let me tell you, my little man was the most handsome one there! He was, I know I am biased, but seriously, he was. He was decked out in his argyle sweater and black pants. He looked so cute!

I missed my little girl, the girl that was supposed to be in the gold dress with red flowers. I wondered what she would look like. I wondered how her hair would have been done, and if she would love dressing up or be the terror child. My girl was with me. I wore my "Noelle Ring," and thought of her often:) (Random: when losing a person in life, I highly recommend getting a memorial ring. I love it! It keeps her memory alive in a way that only I know.)

Or when I walked in to Caleb's room tonight and was surprised to see it green. Wasn't it just pink and purple? How did I miss that?

Or when a friend gave me a bag of hand me down clothes and I wondered why all the clothes were "boy clothes."

No, I am not losing my mind. I promise.

Time does not heal all wounds, it simply distracts us from the pain. 

I am grateful for the distractions and the way that God is bringing healing to us.