When "Happy Mother's Day" isn't enough

Mother's Day is an interesting holiday. As a mom of five right now, it was so good to be celebrated yesterday. I felt cared for and loved well. My amazing husband knows how I need alone time to recharge and part of my gift was to be left home, completely alone, to do whatever I wanted.  That's love baby. He took the kids to that 5 star restaurant with the Golden Arches and a play place for a few hours. And at home.....I had quiet. I ate a meal by myself. I sat on the couch with no children crawling on me.  I binge watched some guilty pleasure tv shows. It was amazing. Can we do it again today?

Mother's day is not lost on me. I know for every child in my home, there is another mother that has a hole in her heart. I know she is missing her children and how I wish I could have talked to all of them yesterday. I was able to text both moms of the girls, but I wish I would have been able to send a message to Caleb's birth mom. Each of the three mom's represented in our house are loved in a way that they will never know.

Mammas, I know you miss your kids today. Sometimes the days might run together and life gets busy, but on Mother's Day, I know you are thinking of the child that is not in your home today. I would be too. There would be grief for sure. I cannot imagine it. I am thankful for you mamma. I am thankful that you chose life for your children. I am thankful that God made such beautiful children. I am grateful for the responsibility and the privilege to raise them, even if it is a short amount of time. You are loved.

Perhaps the greatest Mother's Day gift I can give you is to assure you that your children are crazy loved at our house. They are a part of our families. They are celebrated. They are taken care of. They are fun. They love well and are loved well.  I want to honor you by raising your kids the best way we can.

Today I think about you.

I celebrate you.

I grieve with you.

I honor you.

I'm praying for you.

Today I thank you. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being mom.

Because it matters {A rant by a tired mamma}

Over the 4 years that Caleb has been in our lives, one of the constant comments I hear when we talk about racial identity is "God doesn't see color."

Really? Do you know when you say that, you are undermining God's creative work in creating cultures and ethnicities, different types of people that all reflect the image and glory of God? Do you know that when you say that, you are telling me that black and white are the same? And do you know you are telling my brown son, that they are the same?

I know what you mean. You mean, "God loves us, regardless of skin color. God loves each of us as His image bearers." I am so glad that we are not bound by culture and ethnicity, but that instead we are blessed by the differences, because they give us a glimpse of God's character and a glimpse of what Heaven will be like.

Perhaps what is so hard about statements like these, is holding my hurting 4 year old last night, until midnight. He was begging me to pray to God and to ask God to turn his skin white.  Or maybe it was the day that he didn't want to go to school because there weren't enough brown kids at his school. Or maybe it was the time he told me that he wanted a brown mommy and daddy. Or maybe it's just the fact that there are differences. I have to take care of his  skin and hair in ways that I don't have to take care of mine, and even in a different way than we take care of Chick's (our bi-racial foster daughter).

As we continue on this journey of raising our son, journey with us as we teach him to value his ethnic identity. The Lord made him black. This is who he is. My hope and prayer is that he would fully embrace his blackness, and whiteness (by being in a white family), and fully glorify the Lord in all that he does. May Caleb walk in purpose and one day understand why a black newborn, born in Detroit was adopted by a white family.

Speaking of the journey....we are starting counseling today. I am not entirely sure how a 4 year old goes through counseling. This is the first step of many. The first step of putting some pieces back together in our very broken home. {Parenting is hard. Especially in adoption and foster care}.

Do you know of any children's books that would help us in this area?

It matters friends. Ethnic identity matters. God created it. Next time you tell me that God doesn't see color, watch out for my mamma claws.

It is well with my soul

  As the weeks go on, many of you have asked what is new with our little Chicky Baby. There is NOTHING new. I promise. This is how foster care works, for better or for worse. The next time we will hear anything about Chicky's case will be the end of August. Until then, she will be living with us, loved on by us, spoiled, cared for, prayed for and will be a part of our family. We are praying and hoping that she gets to be a part of our family forever. 

  But, that may not happen. It is completely up to a judge, (and some other factors we won't get into). And if we don't get to raise Chicky as our daughter forever, it is ok. 

  It is well with my soul. 

  Really. 

 God has done a complete heart transformation. This little girl that is living at my house and occupies so much of my heart, has always been the Lord's. As much as I love her, and think I know that is best for her, God loves her so much more than I can comprehend. 

  It really comes down to whether or not I believe God is sovereign, in control and good. If He really is those things, then what reason to have to doubt?  

  Lord, it is well with my soul. 

 

  If we adopt Chicky, or if we don't. 

  Thank you Lord for bringing me to this place of peace! I know there will be hardship, but You have shown Yourself faithful and trustworthy. I will walk in Your truth and put my trust in You through this situation. 

 In the end, let my heart say, "It is well with my soul." 

A Prayer Team for my Chicky Baby

Every once in a while, I feel like God is really speaking to me. I have spent the last week praying and seeking the Lord about Chicky Baby. (Caleb has named BabyGirl "Chicken). I have been asking how we should proceed. It is always a weird process to pray for an adoption to happen, especially through foster care. In order for us to adopt a child, it means that their biological parents, for whatever reason could not take care of them. That is a hard pill to swallow and humbles me on most days. 

Throughout this week, God has been challenging me to build a team of pray-ers for Chicky Baby. Not just people who throw random wishes and hopes up to the heavens, but people who will be on their knees, seeking the Lord, and hearing His voice for us in this situation. 

God has confirmed that it is indeed His desire that we pray that this adoption goes through. 

First challenge: This week..... 

-Chicky Baby is coming home today. 

-Caleb will meet his chicken for the first time:) 

-There is a court hearing this week. 

So friends, if you want to join this prayer team, let me know. You will receive more  information than what is available on this blog. 

A Baby Girl! (Maybe)

We have a baby girl (maybe). That, unforutately will be my mantra until the adoption is finalized. There is so much up in the air with this case, and I want to guard my heart, but also....so so so excited that this is a very real possibility.

There is so much I want to write on here, and yet, because of Baby A being an open foster care case, I just can't.

Before you jump all over me, and say, "Say what....you said you were taking a break," let me put your minds at ease.
1. We are still taking a break. Baby A is still in the hospital, and could be for a while. We really don't know.

2. It has been four weeks already.

3. We took a break from foster care, not adoption.

4. I \told God," we'll take a break, but if you bring us a newborn, baby girl who can be adopted, we will say yes."

We don't know much. Baby A was born 4 weeks premature, addicted to drugs. She is still in the hospital, gaining weight and going through drug withdrawl. Parents rights will be terminated soon. the agency has asked us to pursue adoption with her, though not guaranteeing that no family members will be stepping forward.

We have not met Baby A. That may be the hardest part. She is in the hospital, but her mom and dad right now are visiting her, and the agency doesn't know if it would be a good idea for us to run into them. Ah. Not a good idea to tell me, "Hey you're a mom, but you can't meet her."

So that's it folks. I wish there was more to tell you, but there's not.

I already know that if the adoption fails, my heart will be broken. I am already attached to this girl I have never met. I already love her. She is already mine.

Except she's not. She is God's daughter. God has the right to choose whether or not we get to raise her as our daughter or not. And I am really ok with that. I know that if the adoption fails, I will be hurt, but I am so sure that God is in control in this....even if the outcome is not what I want.

So pray friends!
-Pray that Baby A will gain weight and withdraw quickly from drugs.
-Pray that she would bond quickly with us and know us well.
-Pray that parents rights would be terminated quickly
-Pray that we would work well with all caseworkers involved.


THANKS!

November 16- All About Caleb

Every single day I am thankful that the Lord has allowed me to be Caleb's mama. I don't take that role lightly, and pray that I would be a good steward of this life that God has given me. I tell Caleb every day that I am glad that I get to be his mommy and that he gets to be my son.

But this post is more than my love for Caleb.

This week was cause for a lot of celebration, even if in the midst of a busy week, we forgot:)

November 15 is our "Forever Family Day", the day a Calhoun County Judge signed the adoption papers and  said that Caleb was officially a Sausser.

This week is national adoption week. I am so grateful for people who are getting the word out about the need for adoption, and the call that God calls us to care for the orphaned. It is not an easy call, but man, do we see the face of God in these kids!

This week is also National Pre-mature birth day. I was born pre-maturely. Caleb was born 2 months early at   3 lbs and was in the hospital for 6 weeks. I am grateful for the advances that have been made in medicine so that these babies have the absolute best care.

I am thankful for adoption. I am thankful that Caleb's birth mom chose life. I am proud of her for making a hard decision to place Caleb in adoption. What a brave woman. I think about her often.

Today, I am thankful for adoption, and thankful for Caleb. I am so grateful that God has allowed us to be Caleb's parents. What a privilege and blessing!

Lent 2012- Day 1: Be An Advocate

If you asked me (before today) what I would be an advocate for, I easily would have said human trafficking. 

The fact that there are more slaves today than during the trans atlantic slave trade, the fact that slavery is a very real evil in every state in the US , the fact that humans are treated like commodities, piss me off. Forgive the language, but I cannot find a more accurate "clean" word to describe the brokenness of my heart and the anger that is stirred when I hear and speak about human trafficking. 

And then I watch this video. And it changed everything. 

I did not have to spend any time processing or praying, I knew exactly what it is that God wants me to be an advocate for. 

It should be obvious, really. It keeps me up at night. It has been the cause of countless tears, screaming at the Lord (Why, Lord?!?! How long will you let this go on?) It has been the source of so many prayers, so many conversations, so much frustration, so much heartache. It is what causes my stomach to churn and for my fighting fists to go up. 

The issue: Orphans. Children and teens in foster care. Adoptable children.  

And all along, I thought it was be being judgmental. I had no idea that God was beginning to show me His heart on this issue. I had no idea that my feelings were a reflection of the perfect, holy, God that loves those kids far more than I ever will. 

I was reading in Romans 8, and about creation groaning. All of creation groans, because the glory of God is not revealed or displayed. I can picture all of these children, and I am G R O A N I N G. A pain that cannot be ignored. A pain that demands sacrifice and action.  And then I think about Jesus. How He must hurt. How He must be saying to the Father, "How long? How long until we go back and make all things new?" 

Here I am groaning. How long Lord? 

And I am reminded of the call placed on my life a long time ago, to be a home for orphans. 

Period.

Even if it is hard (which it will be).

Even if my feelings are hurt. 

Even if we can't adopt everyone. 

Even if it means sleepless nights for the rest of my life. 

Even if it means that we have kids and teens with "issues." 

Even if  it is hard. 

Even if it doesn't make sense. 

Even if I can't figure out how to be on staff with InterVarsity, have a photography business, do ministry in church and be a family. 

Even if I have to drive to endless visits of counseling and therapy. 

Even if I am sick. 

Even if I don't want to. 

Because the way of the cross isn't dependent on my will. 

Because in the end, my feelings don't really matter all that much.  Jesus didn't ask any of us to follow Him on this easy road, but told us to take up our cross (Sacrifice) and follow Him, no matter what. 

November 15

Today, I am thankful for November 15, 2010, our Forever Family Day.

We had our finalization hearing and Caleb was officially declared ours by the state of Michigan.

And we had cake. Lots of cake.

Thank you Lord, for bringing Caleb to our family!

Jumping In

We are officially jumping into the foster care game. Actually it is not a game at all. It is very very very real.

After thinking and praying for the past year about foster care, we had our first meeting tonight. It was just an orientation, but it is a start!

Lord, may you guide all of our steps! May you be glorified.

My Heros (DUP continued)

On Sunday night, during the Detroit Urban Plunge, I met my heroes.

I walked into a single family home on Detroit's east side, immediately my nostrils were filled with the satisfying smells of soul food. Mmmmm soul food. They call it soul food because it is good for your soul, not your hips, you know:)

One woman, that's right folks, one woman spent the whole weekend prepping and making a huge soul food meal for 30 people (22 of those being bottomless pits, hungry college students). We had TONS of left overs. She gave some to us, and some to her family members.

The food was to die for. I have been saying that I want to make some good soul food so I can show the world  that I am a real black mamma, and boy oh boy, did this woman help to motivate me.

But that's not why she is my hero.

The woman on the far right is the glorious cook!

 

 

 

I could have talked with these women all night long. Sadly we had to leave, otherwise I think I would have stayed the night.

The woman in the black sweater fostered 37 children and adopted four. The woman in the black and white shirt fostered over 50 children and adopted four, 2 of which were white. I enjoyed hearing their stories, their struggles with raising and parenting all of these children, their frustrations with a broken social system, stories about raising and adopting children of another race and listening to their advice.

I thought I came to Detroit to help the city. Perhaps to help students engage in the city, to lead them and to help them process. I never thought that I would meet my heroes in Detroit.

May I seek to have their heart for the children without families and without homes. May my heart break like theirs did and still does. May I seek justice for the broken system. May I always follow God's leading.

When I post it on my blog, it suddenly becomes official

It all started with Jon's parents asking us to take a trip with them to Florida. Not that we haven't been thinking about it on our own, but somehow all of this trip talking made us sit down, talk and come to some conclusions.

Jon said something like, "If we say we are going to Florida in November, we are either starting the adoption process now so that we have a child by November, or we are saying that we are waiting until November." Wow. Really? Those are our only options?

Well, not really.

But we really did need to sit down and talk. Truth is, there are still orphans in the world. Lots of them. And it breaks God heart. Because it breaks God's heart, it is breaking our hearts as well. Who are we to put a timeline on giving a child a home? Is this really our calling? If it is, then we need to jump into our calling full force and become a father to the father-less.

It's true. We are working on adoption number 2. By "working," I mean that we will have our paper work into the state by the end of February.

This time things will be a little different. We are going to go through the state and become foster parents. We have chosen not to go through a private agency for several reasons, and have thought long and hard about how we would pursue adoption.

Ladies and Gentlemen, you heard it here. We are going to send in our application by the end of February in order to pursue adoption number 2.

Are we ready for the ride? Probably not.

Are we ready for the emotional rollercoaster? Yah, I can safely say that I am not excited about that.

But, this is our calling.

Come, Lord Jesus. Bring Your Kingdom!

Feb 3, 2010

One year ago today: 

We were anxiously awaiting the approval to take our boy home from the NICU 

In order to do that, we had to take a cpr class, LOTS of paper, Caleb had to pass the carseat test.....

We were scared to death. Our little 4lb boy didn't quite fit into the car seat. Apparently car seats aren't really made for 4lb babies. Apparently 4lb babies are rare. So are preemie diapers, and preemie clothes. 

We brought home our little boy. 

I was scared. I sat in the backseat with him the whole 2 hour drive home. I have never done that since then. 

Caleb's car seat test. Because he was hooked up to monitors and laying flat on his back for 6 weeks, they had to measure his levels while he was off monitors and propped upright. He passed!!! I think he is going to be a genius, seeing that his first test, he passed with flying colors:) A proud mama I am:)

We had our first visitors!!! Our dear friends and neighbors, came to visit and hold our baby Caleb. (Sorry Amber and Deanna.....you were also visitors that night, but I do not have pictures of you.) 

My oh my, how things have changed! One year ago, we had 4lb baby, eating every 3 hours, about 4 oz at a time. Last night, Jon and Caleb were sharing a box of cheez its. Oh great, he is taking after his daddy's salty snack cravings. 

Another major change from year to year: SLEEP!!!!! Last year at this time, we were not sleeping. This year......Caleb sleeps for 12 hours a night, and then takes a 2-4 hour nap every day. It's ok if you are jealous. I am already preparing for the next child who will probably never ever sleep. 

Happy Gotcha Day Caleb boy!

A note on the Sanctity of Life

Yesterday was Sanctity of Life Sunday. It is a time where Christians celebrate life. We were made in the image of God, and if we say that is true, then we should celebrate the grandest creation of God.

If you know Jon and I at all, you know we are pro life. I am can almost guarantee that you will not find me marching in a parade, having bumper stickers on my car, having signs in my yard or anything else that would "demonstrate" pro life. I know people that do, in fact we go to a church where a lot of people do. I don't think those things bring about change. I think they educate, but more damage is done than just educating. Christians are seen as Bible beaters bombing abortion clinics. I never ever ever want to portray Jesus as someone like that.

The Jesus I want to portray is a Jesus that says yes to life. A Jesus that says if we choose life, then we need to be able to care for those mothers who have thought about abortion. Am I giving my time, money and energy to those mom's who desperately need a helping hand, who think that abortion is the way out?

A Jesus that says yes to life, says yes to those children who need homes. If they are not aborted, and we tel mothers that adoption is an option, who is adopting them? We need to be adopting. Often. Willingly. Until it hurts. Until we see the world changed, because we are are portraying the Jesus that values life.

A Jesus that says yes to life, but no to slavery. How can we as a Christian church be so quick to ignore the slaves? If we say that life matters, if we say that we are created in the glorious image of God, why doesn't it bother us that 8 year olds are being sold all over the world, yes even in the US? Why do we shop in stores that feed the slave industry? Why are we not giving money, giving time, giving energy and educating ourselves on the ways that slavery is happening around us.

Life matters.

For the love of God, life matters.

Can you hear me? LIFE MATTERS. Ok, maybe you can hear me now.

The life of the mother wrestling to kill her baby or keep him. Her life matters. The baby that is born, but needing home. Her life matters. The child sold into slavery, yes honey, your life matters. It matters so much. The heart of God breaks over the loss and wrong use of life.

What am I going to do with this life You gave me?

One year ago today,

We were meeting our case worker in a McDonalds parking lot, exchanging directions and heading 2 hours away to the hospital where we would meet our boy. The weather was great, and the traffic was light. A great day.

We got to the hospital, and met with the hospital social worker. We received our passes to head on to the NICU. We went into the elevator, up to the waiting room across from the NICU and placed our coats there.....

This very room.....where my sister was patiently waiting for me:) 

We were ushered into the NICU, where we spent several minutes scrubbing our hands and nervously, sheepishly, looking around to see which isolet would be holding our baby boy. The social worker  led us to him and this is what we saw....

We were immediately in love. He was so small!!! He was a mere 3lbs, not eating on his own, almost keeping his own body temperature. We loved him. It was immediate. Folks, love at first sight exists. We quickly had our first family photo taken....one I will NEVER forget:) 

After a few minutes of holding him we had to go to the hospital cafeteria to learn more him, his birthmother, and the process for here. We felt great about the whole situation. It seemed like it was going to go very smooth and quickly. 

Jon left to go back home so he could go to work the next day. I stayed for a few hours and had my wonderful parents come and pick up. I went back to their place and they took me back to the hospital the next day. 

I look at that woman's face and see such hope. She has no idea the road she is going be on through this process. She has no idea how the love for her son is going to grow into something that word will never truly describe. Her marriage will be tested as they endure hardships together. She will learn the so much about herself, the power of prayer, and the God she serves. She will love unconditionally even when it is painful. 

What a a difference a year makes!

One

It is hard to believe that one year ago today I was coming to terms with the idea that God was not going to give us a baby for Christmas. I was struggling through the holidays, with faith, that eventually we will be a part of pursuing God's kingdom by caring for orphans. Just not that year. Holidays can be emotional anyways when you are grieving the loss of someone. In many ways, I was grieving the loss of Noelle, but in more ways I was grieving my prayer life. I thought for sure I had God say we would have a baby for Christmas. I was questioning my faith and whether or not prayer even worked.

Little did I know, an hour a way, there was a scared woman, in labor 3 months early. She had been in the hospital for a few weeks prior to Christmas, but decided (against the advice of the hospital) to leave the hospital, to go home to spend Christmas with her family. She found herself back in the hospital in labor. One

December 27, my son was born. I did not know he even existed at that time. Jon and I were even talking about going through foster care and other means of opening our homes up for children. He was born 3 months early at a whopping 3lbs! It wouldn't be until January 9th that we heard about our Caleb boy, but today, we celebrate his birth!

Today, Mr. Caleb, you are the light of our lives. You mean more to us that we could ever ask for or even explain to you. You have given us such joy and we cannot imagine life without you. We are slowly navigating how to be parents, specifically how to be white parents to an African American boy. We want you to know and appreciate your culture. We want you to love it, it is how God has created you. Wen want you to grow up to be a man that pursues Jesus with all of his heart, a man of prayer and a man that know the Word. We want you to feel like you can always come home, that you can come to us with anything and that your parents will be your support system.

Today....you are almost 20lbs, you are putting syllables together to form words, crawling like crazy, walking between the furniture, LOVING your new Christmas gifts, eating everything, sleeping 10 hours a night, taking 1-2 naps throughout the day, have 2 teeth and a contagious smile.

Today....we are going to cut your hair.

Today.....we celebrate you baby boy.

(REPOST) A baby for Christmas

Many of you have been walking this journey with us. The journey of pursuing Jesus through adoption. The journey of caring for orphans. The journey of heartbreak. The journey of trust. This blog is a repost from last year at this time. My how things have changed. 

*********************************************************************************************

Selfishly, I want to throw a giant pity party for myself--and you would be invited. But I'm not, so you don't need to post it on your calendar:) I thought I would save you all some trouble.

All I wanted for Christmas was a baby. A baby that had no home. I wanted to dress this baby up in Christmas dress clothes, take Christmas pictures and send out family Christmas cards, from the 3 of us. Right now, there is an ache in my heart as I celebrate Christmas with my family of 2 instead.

I don't know why we don't have a baby this Christmas. I don't know why God chose to close this door. I don't know why this is not the Christmas that I will become a proud mama.

But there is a baby.

A baby that brought hope.

A baby that brought reconciliation.

A baby that brought redemption.

A baby that brought peace.

A baby that grew up to give His life for me

A baby that was born fully man and fully God.

And because of that baby, I can celebrate Christmas.

What a year it has been.

Does it feel different? 

Sure doesn't. It is official now, in the eyes of the state, but I became a mother in January. Officially, the adoption was finalized on November 15, 2010, and boy oh boy was that a great day!

But it doesn't feel different.

During an ordinary meal, making ordinary conversation, Jon asked me a question that made me what to punch him, run away, hide and cry. Instead I ignored it (my defense mechanism of choice).

The question: "Do you think it is a coincidence that the adoption was finalized the same week that Noelle was born?"

Do I think its a coincidence? Hec no I don't!! I know that God is sovereign, I know that He has been planning  all along that Caleb would be a part of our family.

I can't believe the ways that this year is different. In so many ways it is different and I am so glad. Today I sat up in my bed and thanks God for the crying baby and the sound of my husband tying to console him. Music to my ears. Yes, the year is quite different.

I never did answer that question that Jon asked. I can't quite go back to last year. Because it. was. hard. My instincts are to run.

I Should Have Listened

This past weekend, 600 college students and staff gathered for our annual fall conference. It was an amazing time where God met each and every one of us. I wonder why I didn't have faith that God could move in such a way. I will share later about what God did at Compelling2010: Strong and Courageous. It is all whole other post. And it will be awesome.

When we finished the conference we had a staff meeting. In that staff meeting we were talking about how the Spirit was at work in crazy ways, in ways that some of us have never seen, or did not expect. We talked about sealing what happened in prayer and fighting the temptation that Satan will throw at us. Surely he did not want to see that work happen, so we needed to be aware that he was going to mess it up, tempt us to fall into sin, etc.

I didn't listen. I thought, "yah, I should pray for that, but...."

And sure enough, come Sunday afternoon I was angry, tired, mad at my husband, a grump, worried, not a good daughter/sister/mother/wife/friend/staff worker.

Bright and early Monday morning we had our finalization hearing, ending the adoption process!!! It seemed like everything that could wrong did....even though I know that is an exaggeration.
-my house was a mess
-I had no sleep
-I was upset in my marriage
-I couldn't find clothes to wear
-we had wrong directions, and everyone in our party was late
-We had wrong directions to the courts, to the place where we were going to take pictures, and then to the restaurant.
-I was TIRED. Really tired.
-Our photographer got lost and I had to take our family pictures
-The pictures were not good, not bad, but not what I would have done
-I was TIRED

And in the end, I took a nap.

And now, I am on my knees, shaking the gates, knowing that God has started a great work.

I have been lied to!

 That's right folks. All those words of advice you gave me, were lies.

Cruel lies.

Lies that were meant to soothe an aching heart, but lies none the less.

Around this time last year, we were waiting to meet our baby girl. We were waiting to get the phone call to go and pick her up from the hospital. We were excited and completely consumed by pink!

I was looking forward to having my little girly all frilled up for my sister's wedding, to celebrate our first Christmas and continue on with life as a family of three.

Man oh man, how far we have come. I am so glad that God has made us a family of 3. I am so glad that He has allowed us to parent Caleb, it has been a complete joy, each day sweeter than I thought. Even the hard days are sweet and glorious as I put my boy down to sleep.

How I could on and on in my love for Caleb.

But you know what? He is still our 2nd child. We lost our first. We never met her, but in every sense was ours, before we were the poster couple for an adoption gone terribly terribly wrong.

And it still hurts. A lot. There are still tears. There are memories that come back and when they do, it feels like someone has sucker punched me.

Like my sister's wedding Oct. 2. We had so much fun. Let me tell you, my little man was the most handsome one there! He was, I know I am biased, but seriously, he was. He was decked out in his argyle sweater and black pants. He looked so cute!

I missed my little girl, the girl that was supposed to be in the gold dress with red flowers. I wondered what she would look like. I wondered how her hair would have been done, and if she would love dressing up or be the terror child. My girl was with me. I wore my "Noelle Ring," and thought of her often:) (Random: when losing a person in life, I highly recommend getting a memorial ring. I love it! It keeps her memory alive in a way that only I know.)

Or when I walked in to Caleb's room tonight and was surprised to see it green. Wasn't it just pink and purple? How did I miss that?

Or when a friend gave me a bag of hand me down clothes and I wondered why all the clothes were "boy clothes."

No, I am not losing my mind. I promise.

Time does not heal all wounds, it simply distracts us from the pain. 

I am grateful for the distractions and the way that God is bringing healing to us. 

Proof that I am a mom of a boy

I never thought I would have a boy. Never. I am a pink girl (take notice of the shirt I have on). I love girly, frilly, pink things. I don't enjoy being outside where I there is dirt, bugs and dare I say....snakes! There is nothing about me that says stereotypical boy.

Slowly but surely the reality that I am the mom of boy is hitting me.

When I hear a loud car I start making those noises (sometimes with Caleb and sometimes, ahem, by myself).

I see puddles and wondering if he is too young to go jump on them.

I think about the "weapons" that he is going to use as he spars with friends, trees, anything in his way.

I am constantly wiped out because this little guy DOES.NOT.STOP. He is a busy boy, and he is on the go.

I can sit for a long time and watch cars go by (both on the couch looking out the window and out the front porch)

When I go into stores, I can (with some willpower) sweep past the pink stuff and into the boy dept.

I think about "Boy birthday party themes" and "Boy bedroom and themes" and most importantly, boy scrap booking ideas.

I am in love with this boy. Is there any other proof that I need?

If there is....I was talking with someone today and they asked if we were going to adopt again. I quickly told them yes. They asked if we wanted a boy or girl. Without hesitation, I said, "I would love a girl, but there is a huge need to adopt African American boys. That's where the need is, that's where our heart is and that is probably what we will do." 

What?

Did I just say I wanted MORE boys in my house?

Not today. But I am saying yes to where God leads.

Even if that is with a household of boys.