November 1

It's that time of the year!!!

Fall......hello pumpkin! I love fall, love the colors, love the flavors and smell and love the weather.

But no, that's not what I am talking about.

It is officially "Holiday Season." ---Thanksgiving and Christmas are getting closer day by day.

And as excited as I am for the holidays, that is still not what I am talking about.

What about the fact that Compelling is so very close?

Oh, it is close...and so much work to  do. But still not what I am talking about.

Do you know?

It is NOVEMBER----meaning the month of thankfulness. I will be joining with several others in the blogging world sharing each day about something I am thankful for.


Today....I am thankful for the students I work with. I am so excited to see their heart for the Lord,  their desire to be grounded in the Word of God, to live a life of prayer, and wanting to share their faith with others. I get to be a part of what they are doing! So glad that God has sent me here to work among these students.

I am grateful for the sacrifice they make in order to make God's name glorified on campus.

I am grateful for the way that we are all bonding together in prayer and fasting for the next 10 days. I am grateful that at 7am, 6 college students gathered in my living room, snuggled up in blankets, praying to the Lord.

Thank you Lord. Thank you for the amazing group of students that you have given me.

What a year it has been.

Does it feel different? 

Sure doesn't. It is official now, in the eyes of the state, but I became a mother in January. Officially, the adoption was finalized on November 15, 2010, and boy oh boy was that a great day!

But it doesn't feel different.

During an ordinary meal, making ordinary conversation, Jon asked me a question that made me what to punch him, run away, hide and cry. Instead I ignored it (my defense mechanism of choice).

The question: "Do you think it is a coincidence that the adoption was finalized the same week that Noelle was born?"

Do I think its a coincidence? Hec no I don't!! I know that God is sovereign, I know that He has been planning  all along that Caleb would be a part of our family.

I can't believe the ways that this year is different. In so many ways it is different and I am so glad. Today I sat up in my bed and thanks God for the crying baby and the sound of my husband tying to console him. Music to my ears. Yes, the year is quite different.

I never did answer that question that Jon asked. I can't quite go back to last year. Because it. was. hard. My instincts are to run.

Yeah, it was THAT bad.......

On Friday, August 7, 2010 I finished my first ever 5k....just barely. It was one of the most miserable physical experiences I have ever had in my life.....and I am by nature, an exaggerator.

And yes it was THAT bad.

So bad that I started crying at mile 1

So bad that all runners had passed me

So bad that most walkers had passed me

So bad that all of the children could have lapped me twice

So bad that people with strollers lapped me

So bad that old women and men were running laps around me

So bad that if I would have been in my own town, I would have walked straight home

So bad that I thought it was my most embarrassing moment thus far

So bad that I thought my husband and friends would be ashamed of me

So bad that I vowed never to run again....ever

So bad that I was planning my dinner/dessert binge when I got home

So bad that I could not take off my sunglasses because I was crying

So bad that I spent most of the time walking and not even running

So bad that I was in a pretty bad spot of self loathing

So bad, that I almost finished last


The whole experience was awful. I want to keep running on my own, because I still have a lot of weight to lose, but I don't know if I will do another race again.....at least, a race where I try to run. I can walk a race, but trying to run is a whole other game.

But I want to be normal

This afternoon I was thinking about me, about me dealing with depression and an anxiety disorder.

I was mad at myself for feeling this way.

I was mad at myself that I am on medication for these "issues."

I was mad at myself that I have hid this for so long.

I was mad at myself that I claim to love Jesus, desire the hope of Jesus and the peace of Jesus, and yet can suffer from depression and anxiety, regularly.

I was mad.

And ashamed.

And complained.

I complained to God and said, "I just want to be normal. I want be a normal person not worrying about how I will feel and not having to take medication."

And His response to me, "My precious daughter, you are normal. On this side of heaven you will be broken. I want you to run to me, to find peace and joy in me alone, but you will be broken. It is part of the fall. Seek me though. Seek my face. Seek my presence. Fall in love with me. You are normal. You are broken, but I am your Redeemer. I will Redeem. Just wait. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe until I restore the earth. Just wait. "

Ok Lord.