For the Fellow Ragamuffins

I was pretty sure that God loved the world. I read that in the Bible and people told me that God loved people. I started to believe it. 

Kind of. 

I was certain that God would love the murderers, the adulterers, you know, the "big" sinners, but there was no way God could love me. If God could read hearts, which I knew He did, He would know how dirty, selfish, and broken I was. He would see my failures, my pride, my raw sin. 

I talked a pretty good talk. I loved telling people how much God loved them, totally believing in my heart that there was no way that He could love me. 

My mind completely believed this, which lead to me feeling like God didn't love me. Soon enough, I began acting on it. I hid my heart from God, I didn't want Him to know where I was struggling. This sent me into a tail spin of depression and self mutilation, both physically and mentally. If God didn't love me, I certainly wasn't going to love myself. My value and worth plummeted. 

By the grace of God, I was introduced to Brennan Manning through his book "The Ragamuffin Gospel." God used this book to shape my identity in Jesus. I learned that God knew my heart, and it was ok. He knew my brokenness....in fact, it was because of my brokenness that He came to die on the cross.  

An excerpt from the book: 

"This book is not for the super spiritual. 

 It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne and not Jesus their hero. 

 It is not for academicians who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis. 

 It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christian into a naked appeal to emotion. 

 It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion. 

 It is not for Allelulia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation. 

 It is not for the fearless and tearless. 

 It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the gospels: 'All of these commandments I have kept from my youth.' 

 It is not for the complacent, hoisting over their shoulder a tote-bag of honors, diplomas, and good works actually believing they have it made. 

 It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus. 

 If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. 

 It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other. 

 It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know that they don't have it altogether and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace. 

 It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. 

 It is for the poor, weak, sinful men and women with heriditary faults and limited talents. 

 It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay. 

 It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God. 

It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest scalawags. "

Ah. Finally a book about me. Shoot. A book about me. How did he know so much about my life? When I sat in the office of the youth pastor of the church I grew up in, and he made me read the above excerpt, I thought that both he, and Brennan Manning have been reading my journal. How did they know? 

And so began a beautiful journey. A journey where I knew it was ok to be vulnerable with God. Much of my intimacy with Jesus today looks like today is because of the words penned by Brennan Manning. A journey that included me throwing some of Brennan;s books against the wall, when they may have spoke too much truth. A journey that was tear-stained and real. A journey of freedom.  

Today, the world lost Brennan. He is now in the arms of His Savior. I am forever grateful for his influence in my life, and for those who encouraged me to push through the harsh words of his. 

Lent 2012- Day 1: Be An Advocate

If you asked me (before today) what I would be an advocate for, I easily would have said human trafficking. 

The fact that there are more slaves today than during the trans atlantic slave trade, the fact that slavery is a very real evil in every state in the US , the fact that humans are treated like commodities, piss me off. Forgive the language, but I cannot find a more accurate "clean" word to describe the brokenness of my heart and the anger that is stirred when I hear and speak about human trafficking. 

And then I watch this video. And it changed everything. 

I did not have to spend any time processing or praying, I knew exactly what it is that God wants me to be an advocate for. 

It should be obvious, really. It keeps me up at night. It has been the cause of countless tears, screaming at the Lord (Why, Lord?!?! How long will you let this go on?) It has been the source of so many prayers, so many conversations, so much frustration, so much heartache. It is what causes my stomach to churn and for my fighting fists to go up. 

The issue: Orphans. Children and teens in foster care. Adoptable children.  

And all along, I thought it was be being judgmental. I had no idea that God was beginning to show me His heart on this issue. I had no idea that my feelings were a reflection of the perfect, holy, God that loves those kids far more than I ever will. 

I was reading in Romans 8, and about creation groaning. All of creation groans, because the glory of God is not revealed or displayed. I can picture all of these children, and I am G R O A N I N G. A pain that cannot be ignored. A pain that demands sacrifice and action.  And then I think about Jesus. How He must hurt. How He must be saying to the Father, "How long? How long until we go back and make all things new?" 

Here I am groaning. How long Lord? 

And I am reminded of the call placed on my life a long time ago, to be a home for orphans. 

Period.

Even if it is hard (which it will be).

Even if my feelings are hurt. 

Even if we can't adopt everyone. 

Even if it means sleepless nights for the rest of my life. 

Even if it means that we have kids and teens with "issues." 

Even if  it is hard. 

Even if it doesn't make sense. 

Even if I can't figure out how to be on staff with InterVarsity, have a photography business, do ministry in church and be a family. 

Even if I have to drive to endless visits of counseling and therapy. 

Even if I am sick. 

Even if I don't want to. 

Because the way of the cross isn't dependent on my will. 

Because in the end, my feelings don't really matter all that much.  Jesus didn't ask any of us to follow Him on this easy road, but told us to take up our cross (Sacrifice) and follow Him, no matter what. 

"That's Mine Mumma."

There are few words that make me cringe more than, "That's mine, mumma."

Though, I am glad that my 2 year old is "normal" and going through correct developmental stages, I cannot stand those words coming out of the mouth of my son.

Really?

That truck is yours?

The crackers are yours?

This house is yours?

Those clothes are yours?

That cup is yours?

That movie is yours?

Really? 

Because in all of your two year oldness, you have gotten a job, received a pay check and have purchased said truck/toy/food/drink/? Thank you for filling me in. I was not aware of what you did all day.

I was pretty sure that most of the things that he "owns" are actually from my bank account, or gifts. And the toys and clothes are definitely going to be used again by his future sibling, or given away to someone else.

And as I speak and mumble to no one and everyone, I am quickly convicted. The Lord is so good at pointing out my sin. When I say to him, "Sorry Lord. That is mine"

It's my house.

It's my relationship.

It's my job.

It's my time.

It's my money.

It's my decision.

And I see that loving father shaking His head in disappointment. Disappointed that His daughter does not understand that gifts that have been lavished on her. How His heart must hurt when I am so quickly to recognize myself and not Him. I imagine it being like Christmas morning, when He is so excited to give me a gift. It is perfectly wrapped, a gift that He has thought about, put time and energy into, so that He could lavish blessing on me. I open this wonderful gift and toss it aside. Or better yet, act like the gift was never from Him anyways. Act like I don't know who it is from, but if I had to take a guess, it was probably me. I probably saw the gift at a store and wrapped it for myself, because I knew I would like it.

Crazy right?

Indeed.

And it is not even the recognition, but what I do with these gifts.

Nothing is mine anyways. Everything is His. Jon, Caleb, the house, the cars, the bank accounts, even my time. It's all His. I have absolutely no right to decide how those are spent. It is all His to begin with.

Lord, teach me to self less. To give more time. To give more money. To give more of myself when it hurts. To be willing to let go for the sake the kingdom. Because it's Yours anyway.

And.....I leave you with some pictures...

Am I there yet?

The tune is all too familiar for those of you who are seasoned parents, "Are we there yet?" 


This seems to be the mantra of my life right now....."Are we there yet God?" 


I have been struggling with not being where I was, but definitely not being where I want to be.

Until I get there, I am moving forward, sometimes a few steps back, but mostly forward.

I can't help but to look at that load on your shoulders. I can't help but notice it. I am not sure if the whole world can see it, but I can. Actually, you hide it well, so everyone else probably does not know.

Either way, I guess it doesn't matter if anyone notices or not. I notice. I notice everything. I hurt for you. I pray for you. A LOT.

I long to be the friend that is sacrificial, full of love and grace, with wisdom and honesty and tact, lots of tact. But I am not. I am so not that person. I am actually pretty selfish. I think about myself a lot.

Maybe this time. Maybe this time will be the time that I carry your burdens. Maybe this will be the time that I walk through life with you, with your pain and your junk, because we all have it don't we? Maybe this is the time that I bring Kleenex with me, because I know you are hurting, and I know that tears will come.

I know that I won't know what to say. I never do. I am never the friend that has wise words and great advice. I really don't. I stumble with my words and can't get anything to come out of my mouth right.

I am learning to be a new friend.

Let
me
carry
your
burdens.
They are not too
HEAVY.
Not for me.
And definitely,
Not for Him.

I am selfish {and maybe a tad lazy}

I would rather have my needs met than meet the needs of my family
I would rather have my dinner made that make it for my husband
I would rather have my son sleep through the night so I can get some sleep
I would rather be pampered than to serve
I would rather have my ideas heard and validated than listen to someone else's
I would rather have people live on my time schedule that me work around there's
I would rather have a magic switch than to actually work
I would rather have a self cleaning house than putting in the hard work, the satisfying work of cleaning

I care more about my morning coffee than how it got to my house
I care more about my wardrobe in the morning than the sweatshops they came out of
I care more about my money that giving it away to those who need it far more than I do
I care more about being comfortable than joining the poor

What would life look like if I was radically generous?
What would life look like if I was radically selfless?

Oh Jesus, help me.

OSU Price of Life

OSU Price of Life Invitational from InterVarsity-twentyonehundred on Vimeo.

When I watch this video
I am
proud (of my staff team and their students)
wanting justice
heart broken
angry
hopeful (that Jesus can use these students of this generation to stop modern day slavery)
broken
saddened
aware of my own sin and brokenness
reminded of why I love my job
reminded of why we need a Redeemer in this world

What could be better?

• Than hearing from your social worker that the birth parents rights were terminated?
  

• Than hearing from your social worker at 10am when normally you hear at 4:30?
  

• Than hearing from your friend that she prayed specifically that we would hear an answer early in the day?
  

• Than being able to have Jon off to celebrate with us?
  

• Than to hug a friend in the afternoon because we had to park our car in her driveway?
  

• Than to re-unite at the retinologist with 3 other babies that were in the same NICU as Caleb at the same time?

• Than to hear that all of those babies are doing well?
  

• Than to have a 2 hour wait in the doctors office, when last month it was closer to 5?
  

• Than having a husband to surprise you with a chocolate chip cookie?
  

• Than to hear that your child NEVER has to undergo the traumatic eye appointments?
  

• Than to hear that your child's eyes are developing completely normal and should have no vision problems?
  

• Than to hug a friend in a grocery store who is moving away on Friday?
  

• Than to celebrate the days events with great friends and neighbors by having dinner and dessert together?
  

• Than to hear your favorite neighbor children tell you that they have been praying that Caleb gets to stay with us?
  

• Than to ask the bakery to write the following on a cake "Caleb is Home to Stay"
  

• Than to hear from your gramma saying that she read all about Joshua and Caleb in her time in the Bible this morning?
  

• Than to enjoy a nice cup of coffee and homemade pie?
  

• Than to get to know a new couple from church?
  

• Than receiving TONS of phone calls/text messages/facebook posts, etc letting me know that people have been praying and are now praising God!!

What could be better?

• Than serving a God that is a father to the fatherless and who cares deeply and passionately for the orphans?
  
• Than a God who cares so deeply about the desires of my heart?

What could be better?

• Maybe if I was a little thinner in that picture above?

Yeah, my day was pretty good.

On the eve of the termination hearing

To those who think that I have had a great attitude about this adoption process,
To those who think that I have great faith,
To those who have admired a simple blog about our journey,
To those who think that they don't have the strength to go down such a journey,
To those who have prayed,
who have encouraged,
who have stood beside us,
who have cried with us and for us,
who have held our hands....

Tonight,
I
Need
You.

Tomorrow is the scheduled termination hearing, terminating the rights of the birth parents. I am nervous, anxious, sick to my stomach, scared, weeping, frozen, paralyzed.

I wish I could say that I have the faith to trust God, but I am praying in my unbelief.

I wish my husband didn't pray tonight, "Whatever happens tomorrow Lord, it will not change our decision to follow You." In my simple mind, that gives God permission to take Caleb from us. As if He needs permission. I am trying to remember the words we sang in church today, and know them to me be true..."He gives and takes away......Blessed be the name of the Lord." This is not just a song we sing, but a truth that we have to live by.

I wish I could skip Monday and wake up Tuesday morning and people could tell me how things turned out.

I feel like Moses. I need people on both sides of me holding my arms up during the battle, I do not have the strength to do it on my own. I need you to have faith for me. I need you to pray for me. I need you to pray for the hearing tomorrow. Pray that Caleb can stay with us.

Tonight, I am a weary warrior.

40 Days On

On the first day of Lent, there are some many people who are planning on what they are giving up for the 40 Day Season. Lent is the celebration leading up to Easter that many Christians participate in. I grew up never knowing much about Lent, and thought that it was just a Catholic celebration and because I was not Catholic, I did not have to participate. True, and false. I was not Catholic. And I did not have to participate, but in the past years I have done something for Lent that reminds me about the debt that Jesus paid on the cross, something that draws me into a deeper relationship with my Savior, something that takes a little extra work for 40 days.

This year for Lent, I am not giving anything up, I am calling it a "40 Days On." In the next 40 days, I want to take big steps to grow my faith, my knowledge of God, my dependence on the Lord, my knowledge of scripture, and protect my temple that God has given me.

1. (Re) Start Memorizing the Psalms of Ascent. I started doing this, and then Caleb entered my world. Babies make life so much more time consuming, enough said. I will be preaching on one of the Psalms of Ascent in March, and want to have 4 Psalms memorized by Easter. What a glorious way to grow in my relationship with the Lord!

2. Spend time EACH day in prayer and scripture. I was in a good routine doing that and then I let life with Caleb take over....now, back to it.

3. Lose 20lbs in 40days. It will take some focus and hard work, but in order for me to be the best woman that God has created me to be, with this one body that He has give me, this needs to be done!

What are your plans for Lent? Do you celebrate it?

Leaving you with a video of my sweet boy.

Worshipping in the Wait

Would I have chose this way? Not a chance. This way has been hard. very.very.hard. No one wants to go through two possible adoptions, getting completely scammed by one birth mother and waiting on hold for months another. But it has been good.

During this time things have been good. Mostly because God is good, and He is teaching us some great lessons. Before I would have said, "God forget the lessons and give me my baby," today I say, "I will walk closely and glorify you in all I do, and I hope that part of your plan is me being Caleb's mumma."

Some things that have been good:
-Jon and I have begun to regularly fast. Fasting is a way to connect with God in an intimate way because we are giving up physical needs. It has been a glorious time to watch God work in our lives.
-Jon and I pray together every single day. So sweet to hear the cries of my husband to the Lord.
-I don't even recognize my husband anymore. He has grown as a man following after the Lord in crazy ways. I keep looking at him with new eyes. He truly has God's heart and I love him (and Him) even more.
-I have learned that I have had a lifetime of dealing with pain in negative ways. Overeating, oversleeping, running to people instead of God, and other numbing agents have been my vice. I do not write to you saying I have it all together, no where near that, but I am recognizing my faults and want to desperately change those behaviors in my life.
-Following Jesus is not based on emotions or circumstances. It is a choice we make- every day.
-People mean well, they do. But they say really stupid and hurtful things. I have learned to keep my mouth shut. --Really guys, I am gonna try:)
-Those who really care about us have stepped up and have gone out of their way.
-There are a lot of people who pray. This SHOCKS me. I am not sure if I am more surprised at the amount of pray-ers or that someone would actually take the time to pray for my family.
-Facedown on the ground before the Lord is the best place to be.
-I have thought about going into social work to shake up and change "the system"
-I have never had more faith than I do today
-I have never had a more consistent prayer life than I do today
-I have never sought the Lord with the entirety of my being as I am today
-Sometimes we don't have the answers and it's ok. It's hard, but it's ok.
-I really really really love blogging....and scrapbooking....some great tools to take your mind off of things.
-Both of our parents are really excited to be grandparents, and who would not love to see their parents be excited?
-The love of a child is not dependent on whether or not I have given birth to him. My arms ache to hold Caleb and my heart so desperately wants to be his mom.

Would I do it again? Only if the Lord asked me to and was leading me there....I don't think anyone willingly walks into pain.

Decisions will be made tomorrow

Caleb will be discharged TOMORROW!!! Yes, our big ol 4 1/2lb boy is going to be discharged TOMORROW!!

Case workers have pressed the birth mom needs to make a decision TOMORROW. She needs to choose to parent or choose to go through with the adoption plan.

PRAY PRAY PRAY! Pray that she chooses adoption, it would really be the best thing for Caleb.

Calling all PRAYers

We need some prayers!!! Big prayers. Prayers that move mountain prayers.

Why?

Because Caleb is going to be released from the hospital this week, possibly Monday and birth mom has not made a decision.

What you can pray for:
-Pray that the social contacts the birth mom before the hospital on Monday
-Pray that we can get in touch with the birth mom's social worker on Sunday
-Pray that the birth mom would choose adoption and sign papers before Caleb is released
-Pray for a miracle and for God to be glorified.

faith.

The Bible says "if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, 'Move from here to there' and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you." Mt. 17:20

Why is it then that my faith has never been stronger and I feel like not even a grain of sand is moving? Oh Lord, increase my faith.

I know that the greatest impact of prayer is not the answers that we get, but drawing nearer to the Lord. I have never been more intimate with Him. I have never prayed more. I have never had more faith.

And yet......I wait.....
............I wait.................
........... I wait.........................