Sometimes it's messy.

This morning, I knew there was going to be a mess. But it was soooooo worth it. Our little Chicky girl LOVES bananas. She loves to eat bananas. She is currently in the "I'm too cool to be fed" stage, and will only eat things she can feed herself. Bananas are great for that, except they get smashed all over her, her clothes, in between her fingers, her high chair, on the floor, and probably even some left over gunk on the ceiling. But, so worth it. During her banana time, she is silent. She is happen . I was able to do dishes, knowing that she was fully entertained.

But my word! The mess. I think I spent more time cleaning it up, that she spent time devouring her treasured banana. The peace and quiet, the ability to get dishes done....it was worth it. And if I am honest, she will probably get another banana today. And maybe we will plant a banana tree in the back yard, so we never run out. 

As much as the kid messes drive me bonkers, I can clean those up. With the sweep of a broom, swish of a mop, and some wet wipes, this mama is ready for anything. Life isn't always like that.

Sometimes it is messy, and I feel like there is nothing I can do.

I sit in the presence of the Lord, and wait.

I wait on Him. I listen. I persevere. 

Mostly there is a lot of waiting.

And leaning in on Him. He is the only one that provides comfort and understanding.

Foster care, is stinkin messy my friends. I want to take a bucket of bleach and clean it all up, but it just doesn't work that way. It's  not a one time fix. 

I want to see renewal and redemption in the foster care system.

I want to see what is done in the dark brought into the light.

I want birth parents to learn how to parent, how to break the generational sin in their life, and start fresh.

I want to be a part of loving on kids. I want to be a part of loving on parents.

I want their to be consquences for parents.

I want decisions to be made in the best interest of the children.

Until then, I will pray. I will wait on the Lord. I will continue to open my home to the littles that need it, and I will love on parents. The last one is particularly tough for me. 

Fairytales and Gumdrops

Some of you may know, in January I became a stay at home mom. I never in a million years thought I would journey down this road. I enjoy working, I always thought being at home would be boring.

It has been filled with the sweet sounds of children waking up in the morning politely requesting their breakfasts and then overjoyed when I give them their first meal of the day.

It has been filled with hugs and snuggles and kisses.

It has been filled with two children, napping at the same time all afternoon, leaving mom with some beautiful time by herself.

It has been filled with glorious play dates, with kids playing so well together and their mammas enjoying adult conversation.

It has been filled with this mamma sipping hot coffee, spending lots of time in God's word and making her time with the God the highest priority.

It has been filled with lots of extra time to work out. This mamma doesn't do much all day, so it has been time to get her booty into gear and shed those pounds that have been sticking on.

It has been amazing how clean and organized my house is. I can get so much done when I am at home all day.

Or, maybe not. 

Some of those above sentences are true, but I will let you decide.

My time at home as been more like this:

Screaming kids. Kids who protest sleep.

Washing machine flooding our laundry room, leaving moldy worn out floors that needed to be replaced. 

Learning that my 4 year old has some very hard stuff he is dealing with. Who know we would be going through an identity crisis at 4?

Exhaustion. These kids run me ragged.

And this house.....will it EVER be clean? 

Spilled drinks. Spilled meals. Actually the spills I can take. It's when my 4 year old gets in one of his fits, and ends up throwing everything that is in front of him, that requires me to have extra grace and patience. 

 My days have been filled with foster care visits,
 case worker visits,
play dates,
cleaning up the same mess 100 times,
looking at my phone every single minute to see if any time has passed,
and filled with random laundry....EVERYWHERE.

 I have learned more about superheros than I ever thought possible.

My relationship with my son is closer than ever before.

I have been on the front lines and have experienced the brunt of his anger, aggression, tantrums, and fits.

I have sat with him and talked about ethnicity, adoption, foster care, and what a family means.

I make an hour drive with my boy to go see a childhood counselor once a week. 

I have found household objects in the most random of places.

I have been spending my days cherishing the moments we have with Chick. We don't know how much longer she will be with us. I am trying to build a relationship with her parents. It has been a very very slow process.

 We have been dealing with sleep issues. Chick doesn't nap. Caleb is either off or on. He could sleep all night and all day, or he could be awake for two days straight. (Again part of what we are trying to figure out what we are dealing with emotionally and physically with our boy).

 This crazy girl....well, she loves that I am home, and is found, far too often under my feet.

When the Lord first led me to stay at home, I was surprised at how quickly the decision was made and why. I loved my job. I loved working. I loved being in ministry. Why stay at home?? It has been made crystal clear over the last few months.

Never have we had a harder season of parenting. I am sure there will be several posts on that, but I know for this season, it is absolutely necessary for me to be home with Caleb, to give him extra attention, to attend counseling sessions with him, to love on him, and give him the extra care he needs right now.

I never thought I would be here, but I am so glad I am. 

Because it matters {A rant by a tired mamma}

Over the 4 years that Caleb has been in our lives, one of the constant comments I hear when we talk about racial identity is "God doesn't see color."

Really? Do you know when you say that, you are undermining God's creative work in creating cultures and ethnicities, different types of people that all reflect the image and glory of God? Do you know that when you say that, you are telling me that black and white are the same? And do you know you are telling my brown son, that they are the same?

I know what you mean. You mean, "God loves us, regardless of skin color. God loves each of us as His image bearers." I am so glad that we are not bound by culture and ethnicity, but that instead we are blessed by the differences, because they give us a glimpse of God's character and a glimpse of what Heaven will be like.

Perhaps what is so hard about statements like these, is holding my hurting 4 year old last night, until midnight. He was begging me to pray to God and to ask God to turn his skin white.  Or maybe it was the day that he didn't want to go to school because there weren't enough brown kids at his school. Or maybe it was the time he told me that he wanted a brown mommy and daddy. Or maybe it's just the fact that there are differences. I have to take care of his  skin and hair in ways that I don't have to take care of mine, and even in a different way than we take care of Chick's (our bi-racial foster daughter).

As we continue on this journey of raising our son, journey with us as we teach him to value his ethnic identity. The Lord made him black. This is who he is. My hope and prayer is that he would fully embrace his blackness, and whiteness (by being in a white family), and fully glorify the Lord in all that he does. May Caleb walk in purpose and one day understand why a black newborn, born in Detroit was adopted by a white family.

Speaking of the journey....we are starting counseling today. I am not entirely sure how a 4 year old goes through counseling. This is the first step of many. The first step of putting some pieces back together in our very broken home. {Parenting is hard. Especially in adoption and foster care}.

Do you know of any children's books that would help us in this area?

It matters friends. Ethnic identity matters. God created it. Next time you tell me that God doesn't see color, watch out for my mamma claws.

Do you even remember me?

Sometimes, I forget to blog. But I really want to blog, because in this craziness of life, it is so good for me to look back and remember the pictures, remember the funny things my kids did, remember what was on my heart, and to see how things have changed. So here I am...back at it.

Foster Parent Spotlight:Kathy

I have been so blessed to gain a new friend in the last few years. I have loved walking the road of foster care with Kathy. Hope you enjoy a piece of her story. 

1. How long have you been a foster parent? Jim and I have been foster parents since June of 2012

2. What led you to foster care? Why are you a foster parent? From a young age I wanted to adopt. I feel now that the lord was preparing me for the future. Ultimately it was my sister that finally pushed us to start fostering. She fostered and adopted 2 little girls. She brought them home from the hospital and we engulfed them with love from day one. Back in September 2012 we found out that their birth mom was pregnant again with baby number 3. At that time my father was dying of cancer and so I immediately said no to my sister. My father died in January and the night of his funeral our only birth child who at the time was 13 informed us that we need to adopt so that when we died (meaning mom and dad) that he would not be alone and this started our journey into foster care. Today our son not only has a brother but also a sister that are his forever family. We have been blessed!

We became foster parents to keep a family together. Our children will know that there cousins are there sisters. But also to give a child love, stability and a chance to know what it feels like to be in a family and most importantly to share the love of Christ!

3. What has been most surprising? I did not expect it to be so emotional. We did not start foster care to “reunify” we wanted desperately to adopt these children to keep the sibling group close. I also did not expect to have feelings of grief for the birth mom. After our son Malachi was terminated I was overjoyed for my family but shed tears for this mom. I knew that she loved her children but had no idea how to care for them. With our son, Malachi, I did not meet birth mom. Yet I still grieved for her. The second time around I did meet her. I started out very nervous and ended up sharing my heart with her and found that she so desperately wanted to share her past with me and wanted me to know that she was grateful for the care and love that we have given her children.

4. What have you learned about yourself? Like I said, I was really nervous about meeting the birth mom. Yet, I found an inner strength to open up my heart to this woman who gave me the gift of her children. I also did not expect to fall in love with a child with as strong of feelings and as if I had given birth to that child.

5. What have you learned about God? How have you experienced God as a foster parent? I did not learn this but was reminded about God’s love and how He loves all! I had to remind myself of this fact a lot!!!! Even birthparents, caseworkers, etc. need to see God through me and most importantly know God personally! I always knew that God was faithful but never experienced His faithfulness as strongly as I did during our time of fostering. I truly felt his presence during all of the crazy court dates and even during parenting time when I had to hand “my” baby over to the birth parent and walk away.

6. What would your advice be to someone considering foster care? Don’t go into it with expectations of an outcome. We were blessed in our journey. But, I know others who have not been as lucky as we have. Fostering is hard work. You love the child/children that God has placed in your care. You want the best for them! Be open with your caseworker and your child’s lawyer they will impact the outcome.

7. What is your greatest need as a foster parent? I was asked a lot if our children were adopted yet. And most of the time we were still in the “reunification” stage. Be respectful of questions. Understand that we have guidelines that we have to follow i.e. pictures on Facebook, etc. With little ones, hand-me-down clothing is great. Diapers are expensive and wipes are used frequently. Accepting our children with open arms understanding that they come from tough circumstances and need acceptance no matter how they are acting. Love on them as well as foster parents! Prayers, lots of prayers.

Like Fingernails on a chalkboard

It started in the upstairs bathroom. It was annoying, but not THAT annoying. I didn't spend a lot of time in the upstairs bathroom, so I just walked away from the drip, drip, drip.

And then the kitchen. Though I don't spend tons of in the actual kitchen (hush), my desktop computer is right next to the kitchen and I do spend a lot of time on that thing. And oh, the dripping...it became more noticeable.

Noticeable went to annoying.

Annoying went to, "Oh, that's what that verse means."

God is a really great teacher, the best in fact. A great demonstration to help me know exactly how destructive it can be to be a nag. Not just to my husband, but to my kids and to my friends. I want my words to speak truth, to speak love, to speak peace.

Foster Parent Spotlight: Trisha

I  have received many questions and have heard lots of comments concerning foster care in the last few months. In attempts to process through them, take some action and give some understanding, I will be writing about different foster care topics. If you have a question, please share! 

Part of this series will include perspectives from former and current foster parents.Today we meet, Trisha. 

1. How long have you been a foster parent? We have been licensed for about two and a half years.
2. What led you to foster care? Why are you a foster parent? we had been interested in foster care in the early years of our marriage. We had close friends that were foster parents and their family kept growing as they would adopt. over several years they ended up adopting 6 children. This family had a huge impact on us. It was a joy watching them serve God and trust Him as they faced many challenges.I remember after our 2nd son was a couple of years old, I did some research and was going to sign up for the PS-MAPP classes. That week I found out I was pregnant with our 3rd and decided it wasn't a good time. Then 3 years ago the time seemed right .We had extra room in our house and all our boys were in school. We have always loved kids and have been involved in children's ministries.
3. What has been most surprising? I guess the most surprising thing would be how much contact we have with the birth parents. Before I was a foster parent I actually thought we would never come in contact with each other and the truth is I see or talk on the phone with birth parents DAILY.

Another thing I've been surprised at that no one told me in the beginning. The appointments and miles driven!! There are drs and dentists appointments always shortly after placement. We have had school meetings , IEP meetings, play therapy and mental health. There are family team meetings and of course all of the court hearings. Not to mention all of the visits. Right now we have 3 foster boys...boy #1 gets 3 visits a week, Boy #2 gets 4 visits a week including one overnight. Baby gets 5 visits a week with his mom! We usually drive one way and the provider drives one way. We live in the country so we drive about 10 miles to town. It adds up fast!
4. What have you learned about yourself? I have learned I am much stronger than I knew I was. I can handle much more than I thought I could (only with the help of my heavenly Father). I actually LIKE going to court. I have gained a ton of confidence.
5. What have you learned about God? How have you experienced God as a foster parent?God is always faithful. We lean on HIM daily(sometimes moment to moment). He ALWAYS provides and meets our needs.

6. What would your advice be to someone considering foster care? My advice to someone considering foster care would b to focus on loving the kiddos and giving them the best care possible....DO NOT get caught up in the drama or games that birth parents play. Be patient with DHS. Working with them can be frustrating.
7. What is your greatest need as a foster parent?Our greatest need is prayer and we do need help.We could not do this without the help of so many.Our fostercare support group has been a great help with car seats, formula, diapers whatever we may be needing. Our church family has been AMAZING ! Providing meals the week we get a new placement. Providing groceries, babysitting. Also our families have been so super supportive and love the kids and include them at family gatherings and camping trips just like one of the family. We are very blessed!