Overwhelmed!

Nothing describes my feeling right now, except overwhelmed.

I was coming home from campus tonight and I was thinking, "Do I go straight to bed in order to ignore all that I have to do, or stay up late so that I can cross things off my to-do list?" The answer: I have done nothing. Absolutely nothing.

I feel too overwhelmed to even start.

-The house is such a mess! A total disaster. Where do I start? And by the time I make any headway, I will have to take a break or move my crawling baby from climbing on the tv, going up the stairs and knocking over the laundry baskets.

-Christmas decorations need to be put up. The thought of going to the basement to get everything, to put it all up, and then to put the totes back in the basement...not fun.

-Working out is hard. I can't convince myself that a little exercise is better than none. I think that if I can't put a few hours in, then I don't do it at all.

-Christmas presents! Seriously...who am I buying for? how much are we spending on each person? When will we see them to exchange gifts? Will I find the perfect gift? If I don't, will they think I didn't put much thought into it? If I spend time wrapping gifts, will caleb just unwrap them all under the tree? Do we have enough money to spend on Christmas gifts? Are Jon and I exchanging gifts? Are we getting anything for Caleb?

-In a few short days the semester will be over. I want to end well, and help students to end well. How do I do that?

I feel so lame for even posting this on a public blog. I know that you don't read this to hear about my complaining, but man oh man, have I been in a slump lately. My  depression and anxiety filled self has come back to our home. I am kicking butt with prayer and not allowing it to control me, but it.takes.so.much. out of me to fight.

For my friends who are facing very real struggles tonight, I am sorry you just wasted your time reading this.

But I want to be normal

This afternoon I was thinking about me, about me dealing with depression and an anxiety disorder.

I was mad at myself for feeling this way.

I was mad at myself that I am on medication for these "issues."

I was mad at myself that I have hid this for so long.

I was mad at myself that I claim to love Jesus, desire the hope of Jesus and the peace of Jesus, and yet can suffer from depression and anxiety, regularly.

I was mad.

And ashamed.

And complained.

I complained to God and said, "I just want to be normal. I want be a normal person not worrying about how I will feel and not having to take medication."

And His response to me, "My precious daughter, you are normal. On this side of heaven you will be broken. I want you to run to me, to find peace and joy in me alone, but you will be broken. It is part of the fall. Seek me though. Seek my face. Seek my presence. Fall in love with me. You are normal. You are broken, but I am your Redeemer. I will Redeem. Just wait. Maybe tomorrow. Maybe until I restore the earth. Just wait. "

Ok Lord.