Three Year Old Theology

I love talking about God with my son. I have big dreams and prayers for him to grow up to be a man after God's heart, who is passionate about the word of God and is gifted in teaching. May it be so Lord.

Yesterday we were sitting on the couch having a discussion about thankfulness. I asked him what he could be thankful for.

"Thank you mommy for my snack!"

You're welcome. Is there anything else you could be thankful for?

"Thank you daddy for going to work so you can by me toy story."

Is there anything that you can thank God for?

"Thank you God for saving me."

What?

I was taken back. We don't use the term "saved" in our house, (insert soap box for a later post) but we do go to a church that uses it often. It is totally possible that he heard it at church, but I was almost certain he didn't know what it meant.

Buddy, how does God save you?

"Well, God is like a super hero. Super heros don't hurt people. They save people. So God saves people. Because he is a super hero."

And there you have it.

Theology, from a three year old.

He could write books I tell ya.

For the Fellow Ragamuffins

I was pretty sure that God loved the world. I read that in the Bible and people told me that God loved people. I started to believe it. 

Kind of. 

I was certain that God would love the murderers, the adulterers, you know, the "big" sinners, but there was no way God could love me. If God could read hearts, which I knew He did, He would know how dirty, selfish, and broken I was. He would see my failures, my pride, my raw sin. 

I talked a pretty good talk. I loved telling people how much God loved them, totally believing in my heart that there was no way that He could love me. 

My mind completely believed this, which lead to me feeling like God didn't love me. Soon enough, I began acting on it. I hid my heart from God, I didn't want Him to know where I was struggling. This sent me into a tail spin of depression and self mutilation, both physically and mentally. If God didn't love me, I certainly wasn't going to love myself. My value and worth plummeted. 

By the grace of God, I was introduced to Brennan Manning through his book "The Ragamuffin Gospel." God used this book to shape my identity in Jesus. I learned that God knew my heart, and it was ok. He knew my brokenness....in fact, it was because of my brokenness that He came to die on the cross.  

An excerpt from the book: 

"This book is not for the super spiritual. 

 It is not for muscular Christians who have made John Wayne and not Jesus their hero. 

 It is not for academicians who would imprison Jesus in the ivory tower of exegesis. 

 It is not for noisy, feel-good folks who manipulate Christian into a naked appeal to emotion. 

 It is not for hooded mystics who want magic in their religion. 

 It is not for Allelulia Christians who live only on the mountaintop and have never visited the valley of desolation. 

 It is not for the fearless and tearless. 

 It is not for red-hot zealots who boast with the rich young ruler of the gospels: 'All of these commandments I have kept from my youth.' 

 It is not for the complacent, hoisting over their shoulder a tote-bag of honors, diplomas, and good works actually believing they have it made. 

 It is not for legalists who would rather surrender control of their souls to rules than run the risk of living in union with Jesus. 

 If anyone is still reading along, The Ragamuffin Gospel was written for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out. 

 It is for the sorely burdened who are still shifting the heavy suitcase from one hand to the other. 

 It is for the wobbly and weak-kneed who know that they don't have it altogether and are too proud to accept the handout of amazing grace. 

 It is for inconsistent, unsteady disciples whose cheese is falling off their cracker. 

 It is for the poor, weak, sinful men and women with heriditary faults and limited talents. 

 It is for earthen vessels who shuffle along on feet of clay. 

 It is for the bent and the bruised who feel that their lives are a grave disappointment to God. 

It is for smart people who know they are stupid and honest scalawags. "

Ah. Finally a book about me. Shoot. A book about me. How did he know so much about my life? When I sat in the office of the youth pastor of the church I grew up in, and he made me read the above excerpt, I thought that both he, and Brennan Manning have been reading my journal. How did they know? 

And so began a beautiful journey. A journey where I knew it was ok to be vulnerable with God. Much of my intimacy with Jesus today looks like today is because of the words penned by Brennan Manning. A journey that included me throwing some of Brennan;s books against the wall, when they may have spoke too much truth. A journey that was tear-stained and real. A journey of freedom.  

Today, the world lost Brennan. He is now in the arms of His Savior. I am forever grateful for his influence in my life, and for those who encouraged me to push through the harsh words of his. 

Daily Cleaning 101

During April, we are focusing on being a family of three and putting our life back together. In the middle of May, we will go back to have foster children in our home again. I wanted to spend time together has a family, deep clean and organize our house, create a workable routine and schedule that will work no matter how many children are in the house, finish the semester well with InterVarstiy and get back to working out and eating healthy. 

We are off to a good start, with lots of help from my good friend Pinterest. I am going to be tackling one "project" from Pinterest. This week, I worked on "Daily Cleaning 101" from A Bowl Full of Lemons.  It has been amazingly easy to keep a pretty clean house by doing these steps each day. Still not perfect, but I don't wake up feeling overwhelmed with a cluttered house. 

I have been struggling with insomnia a bit. The good news: I have also used Pinterest to organize our tv stand and underneath the kitchen sink. One step at a time. 

I am going to continue to use my time on Pinterest as a way to make life better (and to justify my time looking at the site). 

Any great ideas that you are doing this week? Recipes? DIY projects? Organization? Cleaning tips? Work out plans? 

Easter Egg Hunt 2013

My way to big boy. 

There she is! Isn't my niece awesome? 

See, he looks good with a baby girl. I think we need one:) 

Pride Before the Fall

It was exactly three hours that we were without foster children in our home. Our last placement (a group of two brothers, 7 months and 9 years old) were with us for the past 7 months. That season was one of the hardest we have had as a family. We were so glad to see them go, for so many reasons.

Their mom was doing so well, and we felt very confident in her ability to parent her children again. I have had the opportunity to have a growing relationship with her and have been excited to see how she is growing and changing.

We were tired. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. T I R E D. I have not had a good night of sleep in seven months. The baby hardly ever slept, and Caleb was having lots of trouble sleeping....nightmares, etc.

We had just finished 7 months of verbal abuse. That's a whole post for later.

More importantly, we had a 3 year old son to take care of, who was showing regression and signs of really not doing well physically and emotionally. He had stopped eating, and sleeping, he stopped talking, he was getting more violent, he was being threatened by our foster son, etc...

When I answered my phone with the worker from DHS asking if we would take GB, my pride set in. My mind was filled with thoughts like, " I can do this. I can do it all. I don't need a break. All those people who keep telling me I need a break, I'll show them. I can do everything. I can have control."

hahahhahahahhahahhahahaa. That's funny Kristin.

And a hard pill to swallow when it took all of 30 seconds of GB being in our house that I realized how wrong I was.

If I was wrong and I couldn't handle it and I needed a break, the least I could do was hide it from every person I knew, so I could keep up the facade.

And then the fall....Jon asked me if I was leaving for campus soon. I had about 10 minutes to get to my next thing on campus. I looked at him and started bawling. The past seven months of unrest, stress and hardship was resting on my shoulders and came out with those tears.

When I officially asked the case worker to find a new home for GB to be placed in, Jon responded, "Thank you for not being stubborn."

Needless to say, I was completely confused. The only reason we were in this situation was because of my stubbornness and pride.

I asked what he meant.

"The old you, would have held on and sucked it up, and it would have probably ruined our family."

Ouch. True.

And yet....I want so much of that old me. I wish I had it in me to "suck it up." I hate when kids in the foster system are transferred to different homes. It feels like people give up too easily. It feels like I gave up to easily.

Just so you know, I don't think we made the right decision. It started with a wrong decision, and we had to keep making wrong decisions to get to a right one. Does that make sense? In my tired brain, it does.

For the next 6 weeks, we have decided as a family that we will not take any more foster placements. I will be focusing on closing out a semester here at Albion, starting the busy season of photography, being the best wife and mom I can be, and get started on some much needed personal discipline.

Here's to 6 weeks of rest!

Romans 8 Memorization (verses 1-2)

The "Mama Chart" is indicating that the end is near

We have a chart hanging in our dining room, called "The Mamma Chart." G named it. It is a count down from when we first heard that there would be a court date..... to the court date.....and finally when the boys can return home.

Today: We are at 12 more days. I feel like it it more like one. Tomorrow Mom goes to court. Friday-Sunday the boys will be with mom, then it is one busy school day and the boys will be home forever (hopefully) next Friday.

To say we are ready is one of the largest understatements we could make. This has been quite a journey. 7 months of hard.

In the past seven months, I have learned:

- 9 year olds are difficult. Give me terrible two any day.

-I love my little Caleb boy fiercely, and my "mama-bearness" reared its head...A LOT

-I am incredibly selfish and stubborn. They say when you get married, you learn how selfish you are. Then they say when you have kids you learn how selfish you still are. Let me tell you...raise someone else's kids, while they tell you how you are doing it all wrong....and you will truly see how selfish you are. Or its just me. I'm ok with admitting that I am not yet fully redeemed.

-I love the teachers in our elementary school. I have worked with them closely in the last 6 months. They deserve so much more praise, support and pay that they get. Thanks APS!

-I live in a great community, a community of parents willing to help out and love us.

-I can survive on very little sleep.

-Unless I spend time with Jesus in the morning, my day is going no where.

-Saturday afternoon naps are a must.

-It is necessary to sneak away with my hubby, even if it is a late night conversation on the couch with a glass of wine in hand.

-God is so good.

-God answers prayers.

-The system can work. God can work. People can change. I have seen a hard, stone cold, mean, angry woman, turn into a fabulous mom. It has been so good to grow this relationship with the boys mom, learning how she works, learning how to communicate and do what is best for her kids.

-My identity is found in Jesus only. Not in a 9 year old boy. Not in his mom. Not in the 7 month old who hates me. Not in our case workers. All I need to do is to follow Jesus. I don't need to please everyone, or anyone for that matter.

-I like sleep. Oh wait....I didn't learn that. I totally knew that about myself:)

It has been quite the process. It has been the hardest season of my life. The most exhausting, that's for sure. I am excited to see it end. I am excited to see a woman get her children back. I am excited to know that she has really changed. I am excited to spend some time as a family of three. I am excited to sleep again.

And.... I am excited for what God will do next.

Just in case you were wondering: In the last week, we had a baby girl for 2 days and were called to take a sibling group, one and two year old brothers. We probably won't be taking them. BUT...just wanted to keep you posted.