When "Happy Mother's Day" isn't enough

Mother's Day is an interesting holiday. As a mom of five right now, it was so good to be celebrated yesterday. I felt cared for and loved well. My amazing husband knows how I need alone time to recharge and part of my gift was to be left home, completely alone, to do whatever I wanted.  That's love baby. He took the kids to that 5 star restaurant with the Golden Arches and a play place for a few hours. And at home.....I had quiet. I ate a meal by myself. I sat on the couch with no children crawling on me.  I binge watched some guilty pleasure tv shows. It was amazing. Can we do it again today?

Mother's day is not lost on me. I know for every child in my home, there is another mother that has a hole in her heart. I know she is missing her children and how I wish I could have talked to all of them yesterday. I was able to text both moms of the girls, but I wish I would have been able to send a message to Caleb's birth mom. Each of the three mom's represented in our house are loved in a way that they will never know.

Mammas, I know you miss your kids today. Sometimes the days might run together and life gets busy, but on Mother's Day, I know you are thinking of the child that is not in your home today. I would be too. There would be grief for sure. I cannot imagine it. I am thankful for you mamma. I am thankful that you chose life for your children. I am thankful that God made such beautiful children. I am grateful for the responsibility and the privilege to raise them, even if it is a short amount of time. You are loved.

Perhaps the greatest Mother's Day gift I can give you is to assure you that your children are crazy loved at our house. They are a part of our families. They are celebrated. They are taken care of. They are fun. They love well and are loved well.  I want to honor you by raising your kids the best way we can.

Today I think about you.

I celebrate you.

I grieve with you.

I honor you.

I'm praying for you.

Today I thank you. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being mom.

Let's just talk about the Elephant.

Or in our case, let's talk about the Chicken.

In just 5 short days (as if a day can be short with a crazy chicky girl running around), we will be packing our van with the belongings of the sweetest almost 19 month old you ever did see. Ok.....maybe not sweetest. She is a bit of a beast. But she is a cute one, and she has my heart. We will take her back to her parents house, and our time being her temporary parents will end.

It is really easy to be on this side of things, and ask yourself, "Was it worth it? Was it all in vain? Did we make any difference?"

And the truth is, I don't know.
 I want to think so. 
 I want to think that the way we loved her helped her learn to bond with others. 
 I want to think that we will continue to have a relationship with her and her family.  
 I want to think that the prayers that were prayed over her and for her were not to the ceiling.  

In my heart of hearts, I know that it mattered. If it didn't, we wouldn't be in foster care. But, it is really hard to see.

It's even harder to feel. 

In April 2013, we said yes to taking a newborn home from the hospital. She was in the hospital for a few days, and I spent time loving on her, holding her and praying for her. When she was ready, we took her home, and the crazy journey began.  I think about what we would have missed if we didn't have her in our lives. 

My house would be cleaner.  
   But, I wouldn't have had the chance to see my tender, then three year old son become completely attached to his "baby chicken."  

I would have gotten a lot more sleep. 
   But, I would have missed the sweet morning smiles and giggles. This child is a morning girl.  

I would have had lots more time on my hands. 
   But I would have missed a lot of her firsts. Her first steps, her first words, her first hugs and kisses. I loved being there for her firsts, and my heart ached that her mom and dad were not a part of those milestones. 

My heart wouldn't be broken. Caleb's heart wouldn't be broken. 
   Isn't love like that? You risk it all on the line, and you aren't sure if you will be loved in return. But it's worth it. We put it all on the line, not knowing if we would be her parents for a season or forever. Our season is done. And it's hard. And messy. And I don't like it. But it was worth it. It was worth it for her. She needed a family. It was worth it for me. I was able to love like Jesus. It was worth it for Caleb. We are able to see him love another child, and to continue to explain that kids will be in and out of our house, as they need places to live and mommies and daddies. He doesn't get it all right now. I don't get it all right now, but step by step, we are walking in stride, following Jesus as a family into this crazy messy world of foster care. 

What's next? 
We say goodbye to Chick on Friday, and become a household of 5. We will not be taking any more foster placements until January 1.  



 

Because sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.

            There is this song that I have been playing over and over in my head. It is the mantra for my life right now. I want to do what God is calling me to. To do hard and push through when what I want most is to run to the hills.

                                                                 I'd love like I'm not scared
                                                                 Give when it's not fair
                                                                Live life for another
                                                                Take time for a brother
                                                               Fight for the weak ones
                                                              Speak out for freedom
                                                               Find faith in the battle
                                                             Stand tall but above it all
                                                                 Fix my eyes on you
                                                                                   (For King and Country) 


              If this doesn't describe foster care, I don't know what does. Hec, it describes my day hour by hour sometimes. 

              The key though, is to fix my eyes on Him. Too often it is on myself, and my feelings, and oh those feelings are entangling and deceitful.

And then there were the teen girls.

In just over 36 hours (give or take),  Jon and I will be foster parents to two teenage girls.

What to the what? Right. I know.

In the deepest part of my heart, God has been preparing this for about a little over a year. There is such a calm and peace about this. In the midst of peace, I get the overwhelming fear and questions..

-We have NO IDEA how to parent teens. None. None. None. None.

-How in the world are we to squeeze two more people into our house? And get more beds? And bedding? And everything? The space. The money. 

-It's summer time. How in the world will I entertain them all day? I highly doubt they enjoy the same thing my 14 month old and 4 year old do.

-What about our summer plans? Do we take them with us or find respite?

-Will I ever go on a date again with my hubby?

-Will they get along with the girls in the youth group?

-How will Caleb do with another disruption?

-How do we handle chores/responsibilities, consequences, etc?

-Caleb and Chic will be sharing a room----so will I ever sleep again?

-How can I build a relationship with them and pour into them?

-What hobbies do they have? 
 

It is going to be hard. I am already thinking of reasons to call my caseworker and say we can't do it. And I know we can't on our own, but with Christ as our stronghold, we will. This is for the glory of His name, to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a world that so desperately needs Him. 

I will be spending the next day transforming Chick's room into a room fit for teen girls, and moving Chick into C's room.

I'd like to get a little "Welcome" gift for the girls. What exactly do you get a 13 and 14 year old girls?

Any advice....PLEASE

And prayers. We need the prayers.

Coffee Date Week #2

Pull up a seat. Grab a cup of coffee. Let's sip away and talk about life. If we were having coffee today:

-I would most likely complain about how my son his sick/allergies/something that is causing him to not sleep and be miserable.

-I would tell you all about my sister's Senior All Night Party. It was a good time. You can see some pictures here.
  
-Maybe we would play around with makeup, depending on where we are having this cup of coffee. I probably wouldn't bust out my makeup in the middle of Starbucks, but my kitchen table....yep, beware.

-I would ask you if you know how to contour and highlight well, because I want to nail that look, and I can't. That's why I have girlfriends ya'll.

-I would tell you that I just started selling Younique Makeup. I LOVE their stuff. I don't really plan on making it a business and filling up your fb pages with stuff, but as people buy, I do get free makeup. So, that's a win. Especially with my new found make up obsession.

-Speaking of which.....If I tell you this, please look past my vanity. Really, please. I keep looking at my eyelashes in the mirror. Youniques 3D Fiber Lashes, are FABULOUS!  You can order here:

-We might talk about how parenting has been difficult lately. It has been a season of clinging to Jesus, starting days over, and loving fiercely on these little ones.

-I would tell you that my foster daughter is obsessed with dog food. I said it. And I threw up in my mouth a little bit. GROSS.

-I would celebrate the fact that Chick is learning to nap. And you would roll your eyes because every conversation we have, I somehow weave in how this girl refuses to nap. But then you would be glad for me, because she is starting to nap. 

-I would cherish our time together, because time spent with good friends, sharing life and time well spent.

-I would ask you about your summer goals.

-I would tell you about lavender oil and how it is helping immensely with anxiety.

-I would get a second cup of coffee, because well, I am tired. And coffee fixes a lot.

If we were having coffee today, what would you tell me??

Pull up a seat.

One of my favorite things in the whole world is to sit across from someone, drinking a wonderful cup of coffee and sharing about life. 

There are so many people that I would love to do that with right now, instead, let's have a virtual cup.

If we were having coffee today,

• I would tell youI am studying Romans. We would probably talk about the richness of God's word. I would ask you what you have been learning from the Lord recently. 
• We would probably talk about foster care in some form or fashion, since I can't really seem to have a conversation without it. 
• I would tell you that my baby is finishing his first year of preschool. 
• I want to make a sidewalk chalk mural on my sidewalk. 
• I would ask you how you are filling your time these days. 
• I am spending time on one room a week until my house is totally organized and things are minimized. 
• I would ask you to come help me organize more of the foster care closet. 
• I would complain about how messy my room is. 
• I would dream of all the things I will do this summer. 
• I would probably tell you that I am really tired today. 
• I would tell you of my plans to redo Caleb's room. 
• I would tell you that I want a kitten. 

What would you want to talk about if we were having coffee today???

I'm waiting. Kind of.

Foster Care has that weird place of waiting. And I most definitely in that place, waiting for our next placement.

In many ways, God has preparing my heart for a new placement, as well as preparing our circumstances. I am learning what it means to be a stay at home mom, we have established SOMEWHAT of a routine, God is teaching me so much to rely on Him, and all of these things are really preparing us for our next placement. 

For those of you wondering, Chick is still with us. She has now been with us for 13 months. We are still unsure of what will happen in her case. *Keep praying.*

 There is still some room in our house and van, and definitely room in our hearts for another child to love.

I so, hesitate to even say that, or to be excited about it. In order for a child to be in foster care means that their home situation is not good. It means that they have endured circumstances that I will have never have experienced.

And yet, it is a reality of our broken and fallen world.

So here we are.

Waiting.

Enjoying every minute of our life.

Loving our time with Chick, and praying that we will be able to adopt her. 

Loving being Caleb's mamma, because he is the coolest kid ever:)

Be blessed today friends!