We will never get over it, we simply get used to the feeling that something is missing. We go through the day knowing that our lives have something missing, and despite what people say--it DOES NOT get easier, you just get used to it.
Something is missing... My nose realizes that there is something missing, when it cannot find the baby smell anywhere. The beautiful baby smell, even the poopy, pukey baby smell is lost My eyes realize something is missing when I look around the house and see no evidence of a newborn. I see an empty crib, a rocking chair holding a blanket and not a rocking mom. My eyes scan the laundry room for baby clothes and I only see mine. My lips are realizing something is missing when I am not smooching on that lil one My ears realize something is missing when there is a numbing silence, without baby coos and cries My hands realize something is missing when they are not touching the softness of a baby's skin My arms realize something is missing when they ache from not holding my sweet baby But most of all, my heart knows something is missing...all of the time
I am thinking... I need to go and refill my coffee mug if I am going to make it through the day
I am thankful for... a God who can handle my hurts and brokenness. A God who has infinite wisdom and prepares me for what He is going to do
I am wearing... yoga pants, a red long sleeve shirt and a grey zip up with red reindeer socks.
I am remembering... Christmases past
I am going... to be a new person someday
I am currently reading... Community Prayer, The Bible,
I am hoping... to be hopeful again
On my mind... I get to see Amber and Isabelle in a few minutes!!!!!!!
Noticing that... there is lasting evidence that we had a one year old at our house last night.....for dinner....dessert......and cat treats. Who knew? Who knew a one year old loved cat treats so much?
Pondering these words..."My sacrifice, O God is a broken spirit, a broken and contrite heart you, God will not despise" Psalm 51:17 and "The Lord is now slow in keeping his promise as some understand slowness. Instead he is patient with you..." 2 Peter 3:9
From the kitchen... coffee
Around the house... Christmas decorations!!!
One of my favorite things... Celebrating Christmas with Family
Monday, December 14, 2009
Someone asked me when the baby was coming. I replied, "There is no baby, the holidays are definitely not as we had planned."
Their response: "Oh, well, newborns are not fun anyways."
One of my favorite Christmas traditions is my extended family's Christmas party. We have a white elephant gift exchange. Here are some photos of the just got them out of my garage, GREAT gifts.
She's the King of the World....nope, just a bowling ball.
A deer phone....a real working, deer phone. If only it rang with a "deer voice"
A pig...butler pig, with a chalk board
Martini glasses, not just one, not even a set of 4....but 36!! Complete with a frame, "Intoxicated by Love"
Gourmet Coffee
A headlight, that Gramma LOVED. She was thinking of all the ways she could use it...quilting at night, reading at night.....
I spent the evening wrapping presents and watching the snow fall. I LOVE Christmas. My mamma would be proud to see my tree with wrapped presents under it. I still have some shopping to do, and more wrapping. Christmas is so fun!! I love getting people gifts and I love receiving gifts. So what exactly does this girl want for Christmas?
*Candles and oil burners. I like a good smelling house. I like "Food" smells, like vanilla, Cinnamon, etc...
All you woman out there, don't jump on me....yet. In no way, shape or form, do I believe that pregnancy is an easy cake walk. Trust me on this. In fact, I am actually very fearful of it (that is for another post). BUT....right now, pregnancy would be easier.
As I look forward to the holidays, this is the Christmas where I wanted a baby. This was going to be it.....we have celebrated 3 Christmases together as husband and wife, we have bought a house, we have a great marriage, good jobs, feel settled.....what a great Christmas present a baby would be.
It is hard to not have one with us during this season. Half joking, and half seriousness, Jon and I have said to each other on numerous accounts, that we should just "try." Adoption is hard. Pregnancy would be easier.
Mind you, we have never tried to get pregnant....well, I guess if you having sex, then, it is always a chance, right? Let me rephrase....we have been very careful to not get pregnant over the last 3 years. We want to adopt. We are passionate about adoption. It breaks our hearts that there are children that will never have families.
For this season in our lives.....it would be easier to get pregnant. It would be easier and more fun to have sex, get pregnant, 9 months later, healthy baby, botta boom, botta bing. All in a perfect world.
But that is not what the Lord has asked us to do. He has asked us to enter into this process with Him. To enter into a process that gives children a home that would not have one otherwise. A process that comes alongside birth mothers, and say to them, "We are going to walk alongside of you in the process, we will hold your hand, love you and support you." Those words would be empty if we will not make the choice to also raise their children as our own.
We have been asked by the Lord to pursue adoption. But being pregnant would be easier.
It almost seems selfish and irresponsible and faithLESS to get pregnant. Selfish: It says that we want a baby NOW....and we really don't want to walk alongside mothers in need. Irresponsible: We can only have so many children to invest in emotionally and remain sane, not to mention financially. If we start getting pregnant when God is not leading us there, then we may never adopt. Or maybe we would not have adopted as many children as God had wanted us to. FaithLESS: Do we REALLY believe this is what God has for us? If it is, then we need to wait. **(Disclaimer: I do not think, that all women and couples should feel this way.....in fact, if I did, it would be contrary to scripture. I know that many of you are pregnant, or have children biologically and are blessed beyond belief to have that. I also know that some of your have had pain after pain of not being able to bear children or adopt, and for that I am so sorry for your pain. I cannot imagine it. But for us....this is where God has called us to be. This is where we will stay until He chooses something else)**
I see the little Christmas outfits in the store and can't wait to dress a child up for Christmas pictures and holiday parties. I had great plans to send out family photos in Christmas cards this year, and my heart hurts, that folks will not be getting a picture from us.....there is not much to show, just Jon and I. And I think to myself, getting pregnant would be easier.
We want a baby.....but we have to remember why we have gotten ourselves into the mess of this process....it is because there is a loving Father who has adopted US as HIS Children. There is a loving Father who cares for the orphans and father-less. If the church does not show these children that, then how will they ever see His Love? How will they ever know it? How can Christians just talk, and not do anything about it?
So here we are....in the mess.....dealing with broken hearts, paperwork, the huge costs of adoption, still a family of 2, because no matter how easy getting pregnant would be, we have been asked to adopt.
Before you give advice, let me remind you that we all grieve differently. I need to move on. Not because I don't love this sweet baby. She has had my heart since August, and will always be a part of my life. I may never meet her on this earth, but I love her and pray for her. My heart longs for her to know her Savior, to know the love of her heavenly father. I am saddened at the thought that she may never meet or know her earthly father. I pray that she would grow into a healthy adult that loves God and loves people. I know its strange. I know you might not understand, but I have a daughter...she lives an hour away and we have never met and probably never will. My love will not end.
But, I must move on.
Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick.
I believe that God is going to bring us a baby. I was reminded of this today from a dear friend and neighbor. He told me that his children pray for us every day, asking God to bring us our baby. I thought to myself "it might be time to tell them that it is not going to happen, lest they begin to doubt the power of God....yada....yada.....pity party for myself and so on....." Luckily this friend continued on before I could continue on in my nonsense, with a reply, "And we will keep praying, because we still want God to bring you your baby. We just don't know what it will happen."
But I must move on.
Hope deferred makes the heart grow sick.
Yesterday, I loaded the nursery into the car and traveled to take everything back (well, we kept a few essentials) -Because some things were gifts, and in the craziness of putting the nursery together we have lost some receipts. You can't return things without a receipt. Also, for the receipts we did have...they were expired. So there I was at the service desk, crying, asking the sales lady, "So what do you suggest I do with all of this baby girl stuff, and no baby girl?" She had sympathy on me---or just wanted me to leave the store, but still had to obey the rules. Apparently I could return $60 worth of stuff if I used my drivers license. Great. What about the other stuff? I looked at her with tears. She suggested my husband use his drivers license as well...so between the two of us, we were able to return SOME things. If anyone would like to return other stuff for us on your drivers license, we need you. We need this stuff out of our house.
Let me back up a little.....I thought this would be an easy shopping trip....just return things and leave.....
Well, if the first melt down in Target, complete with tears didn't convince me that I needed someone else by my side, the second one sure did. So I called for reinforcement.
Jon, the most amazing husband in the whole entire world.....I called and asked if he wanted to come and see a movie. Lame, but I couldn't just tell him that I was in the store parking lot bawling my eyes out and couldn't leave until he came......
So he came, we returned things, had dinner and saw a movie. It ended well.
Jon got his emotions out at the movie.....crying through its entirety.
Me, well I bought myself a nice ring with a November birthstone. November is my birth month, as well as the birth month of my daughter.
