Weekend Visits

**From this point on, #lilduck will now be referred to as #koala, because she is seriously a koala bear that is attached to your body at all times. **

Chick and Koala went home in January. We knew  the week that they would be going home, but through a crazy turn of events (the hubby in another state for work, Caleb and I an hour away in our new town and trapped in our new house due to a snow storm and Chick and Koala at daycare over an hour away).... we weren't able to say goodbye or pack up their things. Anyways, mom picked them up from daycare the day of the snowstorm and that was it. 

I spent January and February texting mom, with no response. I had things to give her from the girls, and just generally wanted to see how the girls were. 

She finally texted me and asked if we could take the girls for a weekend in March. YES YES YES YES. My babies!!! We were so excited. I went to mom's house to get the girls. As soon as they saw me they ran and gave big hugs, and I cried most of the 30 minute drive home. Tears of happiness that they seemed ok and grateful that we get to see the girls. Tears of sadness, knowing that this was just a weekend visit and we didn't know when we would see them again. We had a great weekend together. Jon and I took the girls back on Sunday and it was awful. They were screaming and didn't want us to leave. 

The same thing happened two weekends later, but 10x worse. Chick was clinging to my neck screaming "mommy don't leave me." I cried. Mom cried. I told mom that it was ok, that Chick would be fine. I struggled with wanting to help mom navigate this, and wanting to scoop up Chick and run away with her. I wanted mom to know that Chick has a deep bond with us, and for the wellbeing of her daughter, they needed to spend time with us. Chick needed to know this wasn't the last time she was going to see us. I wanted to encourage mom to keep doing well. And then my baby squeezes my neck screaming. I walked out the door and hear more gut wrenching cries. It was rough. 

I am grateful for the opportunity that mom allowed us to stay in their lives. I am grateful that we were able to have weekend visits. As we journey on in foster care, no matter the outcome, it will be important to maintain relationships with the first families of the children. Reunification is not easy,but it is almost always the first goal in foster care. And sometimes, reunification doesn't always work. 

Two days later, our case worker sent me a text, "Hypothetically, if we were to do a removal, would you and Jon be willing to take them back?" 

Um. Yes. 

The next day, Chick and Koala were back in our home. It's been a whirlwind, but so good. 

So a year has passed.

It's been a year since I updated this silly thing.

A year.

It's not like I didn't have things to say. I did. Lots.

I never quite could articulate what was happening in our house, where we were on our foster care journey and how we are generally doing in life.

I LOVE the "On this date" section on Facebook. I love seeing what I was doing in years past. I realized that I really like seeing where our family has been compared to where we are now.

My goal is to post once a week, if for no one else, just myself so I have a record of whats going on.

The quick run down, or year in review:

-Caleb started Kindergarten. It was a very rough start, but it was a time that I really was able to lean into Jesus and deepen a friendship with his principal.

-We built a house an hour away and moved. We are currently hoping to sell our old house but will likely do a rent to own.  We built the house thinking we would have 5 kids move in with us. That didn't happen.

-Our little sister girls that we were fostering went home with mom in January. That was hard. I didn't even get to say goodbye (more on that later).

-Our teens were supposed to move in with a family member in October, but ended up doing that a few weeks ago.

-A week and a half ago our little sister girls came back to live with us.

-I started a new job teaching toddlers in a day care center.

-Jon is finished with school.


That's the short run down. What do you want to hear about first? :)

When "Happy Mother's Day" isn't enough

Mother's Day is an interesting holiday. As a mom of five right now, it was so good to be celebrated yesterday. I felt cared for and loved well. My amazing husband knows how I need alone time to recharge and part of my gift was to be left home, completely alone, to do whatever I wanted.  That's love baby. He took the kids to that 5 star restaurant with the Golden Arches and a play place for a few hours. And at home.....I had quiet. I ate a meal by myself. I sat on the couch with no children crawling on me.  I binge watched some guilty pleasure tv shows. It was amazing. Can we do it again today?

Mother's day is not lost on me. I know for every child in my home, there is another mother that has a hole in her heart. I know she is missing her children and how I wish I could have talked to all of them yesterday. I was able to text both moms of the girls, but I wish I would have been able to send a message to Caleb's birth mom. Each of the three mom's represented in our house are loved in a way that they will never know.

Mammas, I know you miss your kids today. Sometimes the days might run together and life gets busy, but on Mother's Day, I know you are thinking of the child that is not in your home today. I would be too. There would be grief for sure. I cannot imagine it. I am thankful for you mamma. I am thankful that you chose life for your children. I am thankful that God made such beautiful children. I am grateful for the responsibility and the privilege to raise them, even if it is a short amount of time. You are loved.

Perhaps the greatest Mother's Day gift I can give you is to assure you that your children are crazy loved at our house. They are a part of our families. They are celebrated. They are taken care of. They are fun. They love well and are loved well.  I want to honor you by raising your kids the best way we can.

Today I think about you.

I celebrate you.

I grieve with you.

I honor you.

I'm praying for you.

Today I thank you. Thank you for giving me the privilege of being mom.

Let's just talk about the Elephant.

Or in our case, let's talk about the Chicken.

In just 5 short days (as if a day can be short with a crazy chicky girl running around), we will be packing our van with the belongings of the sweetest almost 19 month old you ever did see. Ok.....maybe not sweetest. She is a bit of a beast. But she is a cute one, and she has my heart. We will take her back to her parents house, and our time being her temporary parents will end.

It is really easy to be on this side of things, and ask yourself, "Was it worth it? Was it all in vain? Did we make any difference?"

And the truth is, I don't know.
 I want to think so. 
 I want to think that the way we loved her helped her learn to bond with others. 
 I want to think that we will continue to have a relationship with her and her family.  
 I want to think that the prayers that were prayed over her and for her were not to the ceiling.  

In my heart of hearts, I know that it mattered. If it didn't, we wouldn't be in foster care. But, it is really hard to see.

It's even harder to feel. 

In April 2013, we said yes to taking a newborn home from the hospital. She was in the hospital for a few days, and I spent time loving on her, holding her and praying for her. When she was ready, we took her home, and the crazy journey began.  I think about what we would have missed if we didn't have her in our lives. 

My house would be cleaner.  
   But, I wouldn't have had the chance to see my tender, then three year old son become completely attached to his "baby chicken."  

I would have gotten a lot more sleep. 
   But, I would have missed the sweet morning smiles and giggles. This child is a morning girl.  

I would have had lots more time on my hands. 
   But I would have missed a lot of her firsts. Her first steps, her first words, her first hugs and kisses. I loved being there for her firsts, and my heart ached that her mom and dad were not a part of those milestones. 

My heart wouldn't be broken. Caleb's heart wouldn't be broken. 
   Isn't love like that? You risk it all on the line, and you aren't sure if you will be loved in return. But it's worth it. We put it all on the line, not knowing if we would be her parents for a season or forever. Our season is done. And it's hard. And messy. And I don't like it. But it was worth it. It was worth it for her. She needed a family. It was worth it for me. I was able to love like Jesus. It was worth it for Caleb. We are able to see him love another child, and to continue to explain that kids will be in and out of our house, as they need places to live and mommies and daddies. He doesn't get it all right now. I don't get it all right now, but step by step, we are walking in stride, following Jesus as a family into this crazy messy world of foster care. 

What's next? 
We say goodbye to Chick on Friday, and become a household of 5. We will not be taking any more foster placements until January 1.  



 

Because sometimes I wonder if it's worth it.

            There is this song that I have been playing over and over in my head. It is the mantra for my life right now. I want to do what God is calling me to. To do hard and push through when what I want most is to run to the hills.

                                                                 I'd love like I'm not scared
                                                                 Give when it's not fair
                                                                Live life for another
                                                                Take time for a brother
                                                               Fight for the weak ones
                                                              Speak out for freedom
                                                               Find faith in the battle
                                                             Stand tall but above it all
                                                                 Fix my eyes on you
                                                                                   (For King and Country) 


              If this doesn't describe foster care, I don't know what does. Hec, it describes my day hour by hour sometimes. 

              The key though, is to fix my eyes on Him. Too often it is on myself, and my feelings, and oh those feelings are entangling and deceitful.

And then there were the teen girls.

In just over 36 hours (give or take),  Jon and I will be foster parents to two teenage girls.

What to the what? Right. I know.

In the deepest part of my heart, God has been preparing this for about a little over a year. There is such a calm and peace about this. In the midst of peace, I get the overwhelming fear and questions..

-We have NO IDEA how to parent teens. None. None. None. None.

-How in the world are we to squeeze two more people into our house? And get more beds? And bedding? And everything? The space. The money. 

-It's summer time. How in the world will I entertain them all day? I highly doubt they enjoy the same thing my 14 month old and 4 year old do.

-What about our summer plans? Do we take them with us or find respite?

-Will I ever go on a date again with my hubby?

-Will they get along with the girls in the youth group?

-How will Caleb do with another disruption?

-How do we handle chores/responsibilities, consequences, etc?

-Caleb and Chic will be sharing a room----so will I ever sleep again?

-How can I build a relationship with them and pour into them?

-What hobbies do they have? 
 

It is going to be hard. I am already thinking of reasons to call my caseworker and say we can't do it. And I know we can't on our own, but with Christ as our stronghold, we will. This is for the glory of His name, to be the hands and feet of Jesus in a world that so desperately needs Him. 

I will be spending the next day transforming Chick's room into a room fit for teen girls, and moving Chick into C's room.

I'd like to get a little "Welcome" gift for the girls. What exactly do you get a 13 and 14 year old girls?

Any advice....PLEASE

And prayers. We need the prayers.

Coffee Date Week #2

Pull up a seat. Grab a cup of coffee. Let's sip away and talk about life. If we were having coffee today:

-I would most likely complain about how my son his sick/allergies/something that is causing him to not sleep and be miserable.

-I would tell you all about my sister's Senior All Night Party. It was a good time. You can see some pictures here.
  
-Maybe we would play around with makeup, depending on where we are having this cup of coffee. I probably wouldn't bust out my makeup in the middle of Starbucks, but my kitchen table....yep, beware.

-I would ask you if you know how to contour and highlight well, because I want to nail that look, and I can't. That's why I have girlfriends ya'll.

-I would tell you that I just started selling Younique Makeup. I LOVE their stuff. I don't really plan on making it a business and filling up your fb pages with stuff, but as people buy, I do get free makeup. So, that's a win. Especially with my new found make up obsession.

-Speaking of which.....If I tell you this, please look past my vanity. Really, please. I keep looking at my eyelashes in the mirror. Youniques 3D Fiber Lashes, are FABULOUS!  You can order here:

-We might talk about how parenting has been difficult lately. It has been a season of clinging to Jesus, starting days over, and loving fiercely on these little ones.

-I would tell you that my foster daughter is obsessed with dog food. I said it. And I threw up in my mouth a little bit. GROSS.

-I would celebrate the fact that Chick is learning to nap. And you would roll your eyes because every conversation we have, I somehow weave in how this girl refuses to nap. But then you would be glad for me, because she is starting to nap. 

-I would cherish our time together, because time spent with good friends, sharing life and time well spent.

-I would ask you about your summer goals.

-I would tell you about lavender oil and how it is helping immensely with anxiety.

-I would get a second cup of coffee, because well, I am tired. And coffee fixes a lot.

If we were having coffee today, what would you tell me??